“The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself as accepted in spite of being unacceptable” – Paul Tillich

I personally believe that the journey to true self acceptance is one of the most challenging things a person can ever decide to embark upon. To put aside all masks and identities, to lay yourself bare to the world and say from the heart that this is me and this is who I am is a pretty tough thing to do and something that, due to my own bullshit, I have been very passionate about in my own life.

For a very very long time in my own life, I wore a mask – one that covered up a lot of personal pain and anguish and one that hurt a lot of people as well. When I woke up in a hospital bed, covered in tubes and needles, I decided then that I was going to find myself and be myself, and lying there, I never knew how much hard work and tireless dedication it would take. There have been times when all I have wanted to do is give up on it all, and so many times along the way when I have doubted everything I did.

And that was until a few years ago, when I accepted my life for what it was and me for who I was becoming and being every day. I have never openly spoken about myself, neither have I hidden it from anyone, but accepting myself as a gay man and a gay dad was one of the hardest, yet at the same time, most liberating things that I have done. For years I denied what people said, I argued and fought about it, and I hated every part of myself for feeling the way that I felt. I made myself an outsider, I hurt mysef to get away from it, and to be honest with you, there were times when I thought to myself that it would be better to be away from here than to accept this in my life.

I met some people who helped me through things, and I finally told the people closest and dearest to me about what I was going through and they were, and still are, a very special part of my life. Yet for some reason, I still could not bring myself to fully accept and love who I am, until recently when I realised a few things.

Some years ago, I decided that to love was something that was too painful – it ended in pain, it hurt people and it just caused problems, so yes, if I am honest with you, I decided that love was for other people. As I gradually accepted myself over the years, I began to like what I saw. I began to accept myself as a pretty good guy and a decent catch, but thanks to my decisions, I always ended up hurting myself in one way or another – sabotaging relationships with some amazing guys, creating shit fucked up stories in my head that made me act like an idiot, acting like a complete and utter fool at times as well by doing some stupid things – just the whole bunch of shit. It has been a tiring few years if I am honest with you and then recently something strange happened.

To be honest with you, right now I am terrified to write and publish this blog. It is possibly one of the most openly honest and intimate things I have allowed myself to think, let alone write here, but it is where I want to go with my life and what I feel could possibly be holding me back from the next step, so I am just doing what my heart tells me from now on.

I recently began feeling some very strange, yet vaguely familiar feelings and have been wondering what they were. Somebody came into my life that changed some stuff, and tonight on the way home, it dawned on me what was going on and why I was feeling this way. This man made me see me for what and who I truly was and whilst speaking to 2 other very special people in my life about this, I realised that I had started to actually love who I had become. I was being honest and open with people, I was sharing from my heart the truth that I believed in, and I was allowing myself to not be afraid to show whatever emotion I was going through. In doing so, I was touching people’s lives and having an impact on them just by BEING ME. When I realised that I was liking and loving me, and someone else maybe, because of that subconcious decision that I made many years ago, I began sabotaging things a lot to the point where I really had a very bad 2 or 3 days of self doubt.

Who did I think I was to feel like this ? Stuff like this is not for me ! You don’t deserve all this because it only ends in pain. How can you feel like this when there could be something better around the corner for you ? You only deserve a few moments of happiness and the rest, well who gives a shit, it is there for someone else.

Now that may sound mad and crazy, but you know what, it is the truth. I don’t ask for these thoughts and I don’t keep them quiet anymore, but you know what they did? They made me see that because I had allowed myself to find myself and love myself for who I was, warts and all, I had allowed myself to see someone else just as amazing who showed me everything I loved about me and more. Some people who have chosen a path to true self acceptance will know exactly what I am saying here, but by allowing myself to open up to the possibility of loving someone else actually allowed me to open up my heart to myself.

I sit here now, a little bit scared about all of this. I don’t know what is going to happen next but what I do know is that I don’t have to hide anymore and I don’t have to pretend anymore. This is me and this is who I am and if it means I have to wait a while, then I am prepared to wait and see what happens.

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