Taking another step really . . .

For over 7 years now, I have been following my own routine for dealing with my bipolar, and as you know, there have been some pretty challenging times the last few weeks but there was a time those years ago when I made a pact that I would work this out without medication or traditional shit and all. It has worked really well and I am proud to say that 7 years on, I have not touched any medication or anything because that is how I choose it to be.

However, I think it’s a fucking test I tell you because ever since being sick at the end of the year, I have just not been able to get myself back on track and I began to think that maybe this was not what I should be doing with my life. When I have a bad episode, it takes every little piece of “stuff” that I know to keep me positive and not allowing myself to be sucked in, and you know, sometimes people mean well and come up with “when did you decide to be depressed?” It hurts a lot, but I always take it on board because I know what I am working towards. For the last few months, I have been writing my book and it is getting to the stage where it is almost complete – pretty scary for me especially now that I seem to be going through this shit because I really began to doubt myself a lot – 7 years of hard work and research and everything just felt totally worthless as I found myself crying at the drop of a hat and, even though I am not proud to say this, even with a sharp object in hand.

Now I don’t know about you, but I do know something about me, right ? When you have worked this hard at your life, and done a lot of things because you don’t ever want anyone to go through shit you went through, and all of a sudden find yourself in a huge rut it is damn frikkin frustrating. It just feels like you have done loads for sweet fuck all really and in the space of a few weeks, I really thought that if this had happened to me, how the hell could I make a difference and help others on a larger scale?

But then I guess I kind of made a huge distinction in my own simple head. Once coal has turned to diamonds, no matter how hard it tries, there is no way in hell that it can ever turn back. You know, once that diamond gets found, it still gets cut and polished up and all that jazz before we actually see it with our own eyes, so maybe that was what was happening to me right now. Maybe, no in fact, I am in the stage somewhere in between where the diamond gets dug out of the ground and shown to the world in whatever stage it is in. So yeah, I gotta find me a diamond cleaner and that is where I am at right now.

In the last few weeks, I have read 2 stories about the type of people that I would like to help and work with and in my own fashion (because sometimes you have to be brutally honest with yourself in order to keep yourself accountable) I said to myself “what difference could I have made if these people maybe knew that there was a way out of this hell?” and it kind of kicker my arse to keep going. Alexander McQueen and Hannah Meredith were the ones in particular that really got to me because 7 years ago, I managed to get away from the clutches of them both and that was when I made the decision I made – to speak up about dealing with these kinds of things. So yeah, when I (in my own head) relapsed in one way or another, I really doubted everything I had worked to achieve when I learnt another lesson.

Yeah maybe I had done something, but you know what, I had not given up and I still wanted to make a difference – and that was the difference that made a change in my life. Had I been brave enough to speak up, maybe these lives would have been spared – yeah, a big challenge but one that keeps me going. So now, I am finding that diamond cleaner – on Friday I will be seeing someone who specialises in working with bipolar people and am quite looking forward to it because I know that it is what I need to take that next step in getting my message out there. I know that I am already making a difference in the lives of the people who read this regularly and that is something I never believed I would be able to do and you know what, I will never know that I am “ready” because I will always be doing what I do that has got me to where I am now and if I can do that, then I know that it will work with other people, so yeah, kinda cool I guess.

And as always, the way I get to the next step I need to take is listen to music. It really is something very powerful and can do amazing things inside your head. There is a song out there at the moment that, if you change one word, it really gives me an inspiring message, so why not listen to it now and see which word you need to change to keep you going towards what you want out of life. Yup, some of you may not like the artist, but hey, different strokes for different folks, so therefore I thought I would find another video with the same song, of people doing things to MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE, to keep you amused !

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