I smoked today.

Yup, that’s right !

I had a frikkin cigarette, and let me tell you, right now I am pretty disappointed in myself.

And why ?

I spoke yesterday about pushing myself beyond the limits because of what I believed in, and it’s hard at times. It takes you too totally unchartered territory and down a road much less travelled. I could quite easily have not mentioned a word of it to anyone, rationalised it all in my mind and just pretended that everything was fine.

But that’s not me and that’s not who I am.

What got to me though, is that in this giving up process, I have had many comments from people about how stopping smoking was one of the easiest things they ever did, how they never even thought about it, how they just decided they were going to give up and that was it. So when I really was struggling, changing my focus constantly, reminding myself of why I was doing this and so on, it really fucked me off big time.

I looked back at my drug and self harming addiction and remembered how liberating it was when I kicked that. I reminded myself of the times when I used to starve myself for a number of days and how terrible I felt and compared it to now. I prayed when I craved. I did things differently. But I don’t know what the heck was going on.

And for some stupid reason, today I smoked.

I knew all along what I was doing today, but you know what – for some reason, I just did and I won’t defend what I did at all.

Maybe I wanted to give myself a reason to be nasty to myself thanks to some stupid things I did recently which I did not realise I did, and in doing so, upset someone very close to me. But nope – no voices or arguments on that one. Maybe I didn’t deserve to have this breakthrough and freedom in my life, after all, so much else has changed so I should just be content. Again, no voices or arguments again.

And then a little voice whispered 2 very simple things to me. And I found myself answering with those words we say to ourselves over and over again – “yes, but I already know that !”

1)      It’s OK to let go. Just because you don’t recognise yourself anymore, doesn’t mean that you can’t still have amazing memories of everything you have done.

It’s a massive time of the year for me personally. It marks a HUGE anniversary and undertaking on more than one level. My birthday is coming up and at the same time, it is this period of time when I took one of the hugest leaps of faith to where I am today. I look in the mirror now and hardly recognise who is there, but what I do know is that I truly like and love who looks back at me and I have learnt that he really is here to stay this time. Smoking was and is my last “reminder” of a past that used to define me I guess, and even though I let go of all the shit and crap, there was still a lot of fun times, laughs and very happy times. It was a past that I chose to learn from and use to mould me into the person I dreamt of becoming, so I guess, letting go of that one final little thing had more lessons for me to learn that I probably anticipated. I am now beginning to see that letting go of this final thing is not going to take away all the happy memories that reminded me where I had come from. If anything, it was going to magnify them and make them even more memorable.

2)      It’s OK to ask for help, and not just on stuff that you don’t know. Help also truly for yourself.

This, I would probably say, is actually the bigger lesson I need to learn right now. I have learnt how to ask for help on things I do not know, such as business plans, getting stuff out of my head, creating products and the like. I don’t think I accepted that this also applies to me in what I am pushing myself through. Until now, I guess I have blindly jumped and gone where I have not gone before and then truly stretched myself to get through it and grow. This time around, I believe I have learnt I need to also reach out for personal help. When I wanted to smoke, the thought of just going up to someone and asking for a bit of help scared me intensely. I felt like I was letting them down or being stupid – remember, giving up something after all is just a matter of doing it, nothing else. So I thought it showed weakness that I was struggling and I was afraid that I would be told just to get over it and move on. Maybe it would have worked, I don’t know, but I guess I learnt the hard way. Asking for helps extends to more than tools and skills, it also makes us a very real person. Strength is born out of weakness and it is OK to ask I guess.

So what next I ask myself.

I get the box of plasters out of the cupboard, clean the graze on my knee and put one on the scratch I made when I tripped up. I blow my nose and wipe the tears away, I put away the whip (which thankfully I could not find this time – some fucker must have stolen it out of my back pocket because that is where I always used to keep it when I constantly used to beat myself up) and I keep going on that journey of self discovery to personal excellence. I will be free of this last little thing and I know deep down in my heart that it will be soon. Until then, I share my honest and raw, open feelings and thoughts of how I did it, in the hope that maybe it will help just one person who is having that very same challenge.

I was mailing someone from the other side of the world today, and she said some words that got me to this point of breakthrough, so I thought it would be pretty apt to close on them as I pick myself up again. Thank you Ig, I love and miss you dearly.

“I think that’s the bracket we fit in to. The one’s who constantly have ants in their pants and will break all the rules. You know Ga – I’ve realised that when I get to the end of my life, I want to be that little old granny that can blow people away with her stories. The only thing you have when you get older is your memories”

Bollock ! Fuck ! Shit !

Generally, I think that I am a pretty decent guy. Well, to other people that is because I have been known to be pretty nasty to myself on more than one occassion and there was a time where I used to believe that people were just being nice when they were being nice to me. Anyway. That was then, and over the years, I have got to know myself and actually now enjoy my own company quite a bit. I have met some really awesome people lately who have really showed me so much about me, and at times, it has been pretty challenging to say the least. But I have come out of the other side with a renewed and deepend relationship with myself.

I guess you could say it is strange but I really like me now. I don’t feel that I have to hide away and be someone or something else anymore. I am not afraid to express myself or who I am, something that just the thought of used to terrify me. And I used to hide behind things in a way. So this stage of my life now has made me realise the biggest thing that I have been hiding behind would you fucking believe !

You could call it a bad habit I guess, but for me it never was. Like I said in my previous blog, smoking used to me something that was really mine – it was something I did for myself and for nobody else. It was a way of rebelling against things. Which is strange really because I am such a sucker for rules that even I drive myself insane sometimes. And it was something that used to, in my head at least, give me some sort of normality in the “male” world. So gradually as I released my need for approval from anybody, I began to live more in line with my values and beliefs – the most important of which are honesty and health !!!

And that was when something pretty mental started to happen in my head. As I started to accept and realise what I had in my life,I had a pretty cool realisation in my life and that was that nothing really mattered at all. Now that may sound strange for someone who has been working so pretty frikkin hard for a very long time, but yeah, nothing that we actually do in our lives really matters at all. There is no point to what we do and what results we get because at the end of the day, the only point that matters is the point that we give it ! See the point ?

Anyway, maybe it is withdrawal, I don’t actually know right now but as soon as it all makes sense, I might try and explain it properly. All I know is that I am still the rebel with a cause (just got to figure out my way of rebelling I guess you could say), I still need to take time out every now and then (and what get’s me now is that when I do go outside for a walk, I have “nothing” to do which is why I think I used to smoke – it gave me something to do on the time out’s) and it’s nearly 3 fucking days without a smoke mate, and that is pretty damn cool.

Today I have had 3 bottles of water, 3 cups of tea and a packet of japanese rice crackers so far. For the more spiritually inclined people who read this, I find that my energy centres / chakra’s are actually physically vibrating – when it first happened this morning on the tube, I thought that I had my phone in my pocket and it was going off. I guess you could say it is like getting these pleasurable little electric shocks every now and then. At the moment, I am finding it difficult to concentrate and am all over the place which is pretty challenging whilst sitting in an open plan office – fuck me, it is like I have done too much coke and am buzzing right now !!!! Have you watch Over The Hedge when Hammy drinks the energy drink – that is what I feel like !

So what next ? I don’t fucking know. All I know is that right now, I am just going through it. I am still very sore physically but at least I can eat and drink today, so that is cool. My whole body is quite stiff and I am pretty tired – I woke up at 1:30 this morning thinking I had been sleeping all damn night and then just tossed and turned before falling into the strangest dream ridden sleep ! I will keep you updated !

So, here we fucking are ! Excuse my language from the onset, I will do my best to refrain from swearing however to be perfectly honest, I just need to rant right now so right here, you will see honesty in its purest form.

As you know, I have given up smoking and it has been about 36 hours since I last had a cigarette. Having been severely addicted to other crap in the past, I am fully aware of what lay ahead of me, and thanks also to skills and techniques learnt along the way, I guess you could say I was well prepared – you know the normal crap – it’s as easy as you choose it to be, it’s how you look at it, it’s not really an addiction and so on and so forth.

I can only imagine what it is going to be like once all this is over, and yes, I can choose it to be as difficult or as easy as possible, but you know what – right now I am going through it and it is not nice – not fucking nice at all. And what is it that they say – the mind cannot tell the difference between reality and imagination?

My body is in physical pain and my head feels like it is going to explode but I am taking time out to walk around as much as I can. Unfortunately, thanks to all the other shit I have done in the past, I cannot take head ache tablets so yeah, that sucks. I am drinking loads of water to clear the toxins out of my body, which in turn, thanks to the stomach cramps is making me feel rather nauseous – won’t go into further detail there. One minute I am hot and the next minute I am cold which makes lying in bed challenging. My chest feels like an elephant has decided that this is where it is going to wait for the night bus. As for the emotions right now, well let’s not even start on that. There are those of you out there who have given up smoking and it has been simple, and to you all I can say is I am fucking jealous – maybe I should start again and in a few months, “decide” that stopping smoking will be fun !

So why ! Why I keep asking myself, am I putting myself through all of this? I have come so far I should just be grateful for what I have – most people do not change half as many things during their lifetimes and I have done so much – can’t I just be happy with that? And I began (as I always do) to dig deeper.

You see, I lived in denial of so many things for a very long time. I used illegal drugs as a way of escaping reality from a young age because I was unable to face what was going on in my life. It was a way of covering up pain and “pretending” that everything was fucking fantastic. So since the conscious age of 12, I have had something to turn to, which made me into something I was “supposed to be” in my mind. Over the last decade, I have managed to throw aside all but one of these things that controlled my life.

And this is what I realised smoking does for me personally: -

• Smoking gives me “time out” away from all the noise that goes on at times in places
• Smoking used to be a way to silence my personal voices until I learnt how to silence them on my own
• Smoking is a way of rebelling
• Smoking is something that “I” do for “me” – in a way, it is one of the very very few things that I do solely for myself – I guess you could say it is my simple pleasure
• Smoking is one of the “manly” things I used to do – before I accepted my sexuality, in my mind, smoking made me “manly” as I was ashamed of who I was

I don’t know hey, but you know what? Right now, it’s hard. I guess you could say part of me is grieving letting go of something that has helped me through so much. I know that addiction comes on all levels – mind, body and soul – and yeah, I guess that in order to truly let go of something in your life, all aspects of your life need to be dealt with. All of a sudden, I feel like that scared little boy again, aimlessly wandering around and looking for something that could just take away the pain he is going through.

Will I do it? I don’t know right now, I really don’t. But what I do know is that even though the choice has been made, I still have to go through this right now.

Be The Change You Want To See In This World

– Mahatma Gandhi

So yeah, I decided that, as I work with people and help them change their lives, based on what I have done so far, I asked myself how I could push myself to the next level and take yet big small step in my life.

I know that what I have done in my life works, and it works pretty frikkin well. I know what it is like to drastically change careers and lifestyles, I know how to basically re-invent your life from nothing. I have given up almost a lifetime of drugs in many different forms and self harming on all levels (physical, mental and emotional) is a fragment of a previous life. My health has radically changed, as have my eating habits and lifestyle and for almost 8 years now, I have learnt to live with severe bipolar depression without medication of any type. I know what it is like to follow your passion and do what you believe in despite what other people may, or may not, say and most importantly I believe that if I want to make a difference in other people’s lives, I have to start with my own.

So I was in a bit of a predicament to be honest with you, having realised what I had achieved. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine being truly free on all levels – and for those that know me, they will understand this. Almost 10 years ago, I set myself a 10-day challenge, whereby I wanted to be able to get through 10 days feeling relatively “normal” and not having constant internal battles, outbreaks at myself, no drugs, no shit generally. I undertook this on my own at that time, and let me tell you, it was only 3 years later that I managed to get through my first 10 days. One by one, I began mastering each particular challenge of mine, and I got to the place where I am today which, to be fucking honest with you, has surpassed anything I could ever have dreamt of and I now truly believe that I can achieve anything I set my mind to, as long as it is in line with my purpose and desire in life.

And there I was. Ready to take the next step and I began thinking. My business partner and I are about to launch Ego Invenio – our amazing experiential program that is frikkin awesome. Having both achieved our levels of mastery in our specific areas of expertise, we are deeply passionate about what we do for one reason. We know it works because we have tested it and tested it and tested it, over and over again on ourselves. We have the results in our lives that we know will change your life.

So I decided to set myself a challenge. Based on our unique 9-step program, amongst other things that we do, I am about to go outside and smoke my last cigarette – something that I have been doing for almost 25 years now. Over the years, I have given up drinking almost 2 bottles of vodka a day, I have given up cocaine and taking almost 50 painkillers a day, I have gone from starving myself for days on end to a healthy diet and actually gaining and keeping weight for the first time in my life, so to say that I know a little bit about working with addicts is something pretty accurate. Yet this final addiction of mine has been challenging me somewhat, until now.

Honesty is a huge value of mine, and for me to go out there and do what I want to do, I need to be our message. I need to be the change that I wish for people in their lives so this is my next challenge.

I will keep you update of the progress, and at the same time, be sure to follow us on Facebook as we prepare for our launch very shortly. We have some amazing stuff lined up and we know that you are all very excited. Ego Invenio looks set to be an amazing life changing experience and yeah, to know that in a few minutes, I am going to be taking on my final “test” to see that everything works is pretty cool !!!

I came across this song today that made me reflect on the journey of a dream, and whilst watching it, was startled by how so many things deeply personal to me were in one place at one time, being performed by someone hugely influential in my life for standing up and being who he is and sharing his message.

These quotes have been taken from the spoken pieces throughout the video but echo my thoughts, hence my desire to share them with you.

“There’s so many moments you could share with anyone, someone, and you feel like that moment would just last forever, when it’s only a night, it’s only a moment.”

“Fate has its tricky ways of throwing something in front of you you’ve never expected.”

“My philosophy in life is don’t regret anything you do, coz in the end, it makes you who you are.”

Many years ago, a dream was born deep down inside my heart, and it is one that I have been working towards now for some time. When I first began thinking about it and working on it, it scared me a bit, but deep down inside, it made me work hard. It made me learn things and teach myself things, it kept me going when I did not think that I had the strength to continue, but most of all, it was my “why” in the grand scheme of things.

You see, to me anyway, faith is important. Faith in something is my fundamental reason for being where I am today. I don’t care what people believe in, what God they follow or how they choose to live their lives – when they ask me what my difference that makes a difference is, it always comes back to that same thing – faith.

Faith is taking action when the impossible seems overwhelming. It is pushing yourself beyond those limits inside your mind, taking you to places that you never before comprehended. It is about taking those small steps that give you the strength, conviction and courage to make the big steps and sometimes even those big leaps you need to take. Faith connects you up with amazing people who help you fly across and through those barriers that you sometimes just can’t seem to get through on your own, and it is what gets the ideas out of your heart and out to the world, helping you to follow your why in life.

Anyway, back to the big dream.

“I just wish there was no such thing as fighting. That the world could be like, just perfect in every way, that we could get along. But obviously that can’t happen.”

Or could it? Maybe it’s time we changed that !

There are lights and music. There is excitement in the air – you know that tingle that you feel when something special is about to happen. There are people – young and old, boys and girls, brothers and sisters, friends and family, every single type of person you could imagine – all there together for one reason alone.

• To go on a journey.
• A journey of self discovery.
• Together. As one community, united to making a change in the way the world works and thinks.
• Coming in as one person and leaving totally turned inside out.
• Experiencing something life changing in an amazing way.

It’s in a stadium and there are 1000’s upon 1000’s of people. 100,000 people to be exact. There is music and dancing and singing and above all else, there is a message and a story.

That no matter what life serves up on your plate; it is what you do with it that actually counts. It is how you choose to show up every day in your life, no matter what the fuck you want to do. Oh yes, and every now and then, there are a few words that do come out, as you may well know by now. It is about not being afraid to be the real you, the real person that you were put on this earth to be. A friend of mine has waited 7 years for his dream to come true, and seeing that being realised has made me even more excited for mine because I know that one day, it could happen.

This brought me back to my faith. It made me look back at all the steps that I have taken – alone and together with friends – over the last decade of my life. It made me realise and see that I was and am getting closer to the edge, where I know that I am going to have to take some of the biggest steps I have ever taken.

And that is what faith is all about. It’s about working that muscle day in and day out, making sure that you exercise it regularly – I do that through prayer and meditation, through reaching out to others and by sharing my message with the world. A muscle without exercise will only shrink and wither away and that is why you have to keep working at it.

How will you exercise that muscle today?

I just did.

“Everyone is just going crazy these days. It’s like the end of the world.”

“If you make a promise to yourself, you have to keep it, no matter what.”

“Some people believe in God, I believe in music. You know, some people pray, I turn up the radio.”

“Music makes the world go round, and for me, if it wasn’t around right now, I wouldn’t’ be around right now. Music is everything – to me. That’s all I can say.”

I was talking with my “brother” the other day and reflecting on life and everything else that goes with it and he said something to me that made me think. He said “you learn lessons so hard and so fast that I find I learn a lot from just being around you” and so based on that, I thought I would share with you the TOP 4 Lessons I have learnt this month.

• My opinion of myself is the ONLY ONE that really matters

No matter how many times people tell you things about yourself – unless you truly believe it in your heart and accept it and own it as your own – there is no way that you will ever believe it. I used to listen to people tell me things about myself, I would say thank you, yet in my head, it was not making sense. I would then get upset when people said other things about me, sometimes even the same people who passed compliments in the past. So therefore, I contsantly fought with myself and all these conflicting things that were being said.

I can only see the world as I know it – nothing else is ever going to change that, and therefore, I can only see myself as I know myself. Like my own, people’s opinions are ALWAYS changing – things happen, things influence our beliefs and values and decisions and opinions change. But when I am sure of who I am and own who I am, and I live my life in accordance with my beliefs and values, then really, it is only my opinion of myself that matters. If I see a trend of people getting upset with me, I can take a look at myself and see why I am creating that and if there is anything I need to change. If there isn’t and I am happy with myself, then why the frikkin hell should I let other people’s opinions of me upset me.

And if I live my life influenced by everybody else’s ever changing opinions (just like mine) then how I can I be the authentic person I strive to be because you know what, there are 6 billion people in the world and there is no way I am ever going to please all of them, so I may as well start off by making sure I am happy with myself and not let other people influence who I am or how I react or live my life.

• When you speak openly and honestly from the heart, people listen and take inspired action

There was a time in my life when all I could do was talk the biggest load of crap there ever was, and then I used to wonder why people did not take any notice of me. Imagine for a minute, if you would, that you could only speak (say) 500 words a day and that was it. What would you say and how would you use those words ? Would you make the most of them and make sure you spoke your honest truth and message or would you just waste them with nonsense ? There is so much going on in the world that we are conditioned to “listen” to every day that it is no wonder so few voices are truly heard.

A few people asked me recently about a detox / cleanse that I did a while back, and I spoke about what it did for me, based on my true life fact and from the heart, because it made a huge impact on my life. A little while later, quite a few people took action and decided to have a go for themselves. It was pretty humbling to know that my words could inspire someone to take action and was a good learning for me.

• It’s OK to let go of stuff

When I got out of hospital many years ago (November 2002) I met a young student priest, who was very very open minded. He helped me a great deal, considering that I had been in hospital as a result of trying to take my own life (again) and I was pretty feckin lost – I was angry and I hated myself for what I had put my family through and I did not see the point of carrying on. After spending 3 full and intense days with him, and having some pretty profound breakthroughs back then, he gave me a parting gift that I have carried with me EVERY SINGLE DAY since then – his rosary (who I called Lordy.) Now those of you that really know me will know how important my own personal faith is in my life, and Lordy has helped me through some pretty tough shit. He has always been there as a reminder that somebody greater than myself believed in me enough to give me a fourth or fifth chance !

We went swimming one night when I was in Portugal, and I put Lordy down on my towel. It was quite late and the tide was coming in, so I ran to move my towel, carefully picking it up. We then went back into the sea and carried on swimming and chatting. I then go out and went to dry myself, and noticed that Lordy was not there. Now let me explain – there have been times in the past when I have driven to work, realised that I had left Lordy at home and turned around to go and collect Him – that is the importance he held in my heart, and one day soon, I know you will understand this more. Anyway, instead of the insane panic that would normally overcome me, all that was there was an overwhelming sense of peace and calm. In my heart, I knew that it was OK to just let go and have faith. How many times in the past did I fight and push myself through stuff, when had I just embraced it and accepted things and just let go, it would have been so much more liberating. I turned and hugged my “brother” knowing that letting go is the most exciting thing we can ever do in our lives. Why hold on to stuff that keeps one foot trapped in the past when all we have to do is let it go?

• Don’t be afraid to ask for help

Something like this used to terrify me – I guess because my opinion of myself was not that great, I was too afraid to speak openly from the heart and therefore, I was hanging on to shit from the past !!! But when I realised that I was sure of who I was and what I wanted, that my opinion mattered and if I let go of my shit and spoke openly from my heart, it was OK to ask for help. I did and the answers I got blew me away !

My Mom has the most amazing intuition in the world – a gift I clearly now realise that I got from her. Due to the distance apart that we are, and that fact that phone systems in Zimbabwe are pretty messed up, I don’t get to speak to her much, but she knows just when to send the right type of mail across the world to me.

As you may know from my previous post, some pretty big shit has shifted in my head, and I have had a few days of rather intense and vivid dreams, as well as some very “unrestful” sleep – in fact, A LOT of unrestful sleep. My body is physically drained yet my mind is raring to go, possibly explaining all the dreams. I am going with the flow of it all and taking things one day at a time at the moment. I am putting plans in place and taking steps towards creating the dream that I once thought was just that – a dream. And then there are some areas that are not without their challenges, and those I am working in too. It is very difficult when other people’s emotions are involved, and all I can do is be me, open and honest about everything I guess.

So this came from my Mom at exactly the right time. It summed up a lot of what has happened over the last 2 years of intense work on myself, and you know what, I have (as have you) probably read it in the past, but this time it really sunk in and I feel obligated to share it with you all.

Maybe…
we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that,
when we finally meet the right person,
we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe…
it is true that we don’t know what we have until we lose it,
but it is also true that we don’t know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe…
the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past;
after all, you can’t go on successfully in life
until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

Maybe…
you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human,
and enough hope to make you happy.

Maybe…
the happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe…
the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.

Maybe…
happiness waits for all those who cry,
all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried,
for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe…
you should do something nice for someone every single day,
even if it is simply to leave them alone.

Maybe…
giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back.
Don’t expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart;
but, if it doesn’t, be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe…
you should dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go,  be what you want to be,
because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of,
and want to do.

Life is only travelled ONCE;
Today’s MOMENT becomes Tomorrow’s MEMORY.
Enjoy every moment, good or bad, because the GIFT of LIFE… is LIFE itself…

EGO INVENIO my friends ! The journey to the heart of knowing yourself is one of the MOST rewarding journeys you will ever undertake. By no means the easiest, but by all means the most rewarding.

So, I started writing a blog and then heard some more news. I let the shock set in, I took some time out to cry (and swear) a lot and I took a deep breath and listened to my heart, which has been speaking to me quite a bit lately. For some strange reason, this time around, my fucking head would not answer back and that was when I knew that maybe, I had finally listened to the message that I was being given.

Today I had the news that 2 people I knew, one very well, had died. The first young lady was sadly killed by a lion back home and the 2nd young lady died this morning really suddenly. Both of them were amazing people, they truly were but you know what was even more special about them. EVERY SINGLE day they got to do what they were passionate about. One worked in an animal orphanage, and the other worked as a teacher of small children. They loved what they did and they got to do it each and every day of their lives.

Keziah, the girl who died this morning was very special to me. You see, some time back, as you know, I was pretty fucked up. She was one of the first people I spoke to about some stuff that was going on back then and she gave me a book to read the changed my life. It was called The Cross and The Swicthblade about this minister who worked with heroin addicts on the streets in America. He never gave up on them and his ministry still goes today around the world. That book made me see that I was not going mad and that the dreams and visions I had for the future were possible. She always believed in me and whenever I spoke to her, she always inspired me and now she has gone to a place she strongly believed in.

You see, I don’t know if I speak for you, but I know that for me, I have some pretty big dreams that I want to achieve in my life. Because of my own fears and limitations that I have placed on myself, I guess you could say I have always come up with excuses and the like.

Until today !

How many signs and messages do we need to get before we actually take some specific sort of action towards what we want to do ? Life is short guys, it really is. I know that there was a time in my life where I hated everything going on and when I just wanted to be dead. Call it extreme but I know that there are people out there who know what I am talking about. I tried to end my life a few times, and in doing so, I hurt a lot of people but none more than I hurt myself. It has taken me many years to accept who I am and to truly love the person that I am every day now, realising how lucky I am to be alive and living now.

So, I am taking some action and this is where you come in because I need some help from you. It will be my birthday in August and before then, I intend to stand up and speak. I can’t teach you about internet marketing, and I can’t teach you about trading and fitness but what I can tell you is my story and how to be authentic and true to who you are. I can share with you from the heart what I have learnt in my life, in the hope that it will change your life in one way or another.

Fuck me, it is scarry writing this stuff, but these 2 friends of mine have shown me something truly special in life, and I believe that I can now share what I know with the people who are reading this and ready to listen.

I have some dates lined up and depending on the interest that is shown, Iguess that is how it goes. It will be towards the end of July, early-August and will be in the evening after work for a few hours. There will be a small charge to cover the costs of organising it, part of the proceeds of this will also go to The Gorilla Organisation, a charity that is very very close to my heart in all that i do, but it will be small.

If you are interested, please contact me via Facebook or by email on mycoachguy@yahoo.com and I will keep you informed, and if you can, please pass this on to your friends and family.

It’s my dream and I believe in it, so please support me in taking this HUGE step forwards, and remember, maket he most of everything because you never know what is going to happen next.

Self-harming is something that I struggled with for many, many years of my life and to this day, I see the scars that remind me of how far I have come and what I have worked through, both on my own and with the help of trained professionals – something that I will always encourage people to do.

In doing so, there are also some small things that I used to do that helped me to break the pattern of constantly hurting myself, whether it was physically, mentally or emotionally. These little steps, combined with other things, made a huge difference, and in working with people in the past, I have found that it has made a huge difference with them as well.

The first thing that you need to grasp is that, even though this is a coping mechanism, in one way or another, it has also become a habit that we do. Identifying what triggers that habit and breaking the cycle, along with professional help to deal with the underlying causes, are 2 of the biggest steps to take to freedom from this.

1)    Keep a journal of your emotions, recording every single thing that you feel and what you go through. This may seem like a very negative thing to do, but as you go along, it will help you to notice a pattern or patterns leading up to times when you hurt yourself. Seeing these can help you to change or alter the way that things happen because you are no aware of them.

2)    Hurting ourselves produces hormones in the body that are the equivalent of natural pain killers – they get released by the body when it is under stress and the overall effect that they have on us is that they tend to relax or quieten our minds, and more often that not, this is also part of the cycle. The body knows that when it hurts itself, it is going to get a hit of something – kind of like a drug addict scoring, and this then becomes a mental cycle. Understanding this principle makes the next suggestions easier to follow.

3)    Carry a thick elastic band with you around your wrist – you know you can get those bright coloured bracelets that many charities now use to raise awareness. Whenever you feel the urge to go out and do something to yourself, pull the band back as far as you can and let it snap back down to your wrist. This, in effect, has a similar effect to that of cutting yourself or harming yourself in other ways, and is also a very good way to interrupt the pattern.

4)    Another way to do this is to go and find a cube of ice and grip it tightly in your hand for as long as possible.

5)    One of the best things that I ever personally did, and believe me, this may sound strange at first, but you will only do it a few times before you begin to understand how to break your cycle because it can be rather amusing. Whenever I felt the urge to hurt myself and I was in a public place, I would clap my hands together as loud as I possibly could. First of all, it was rather painful, but more importantly, it gave everyone around me quite a large fright, as well as myself and I only had to do this 2 or 3 times and I began to break the thought pattern of going to do something else to myself.

6)    Reward yourself every single time you manage to do one of the above things rather than something else. Notice how you feel proud of yourself for not doing something damaging, and begin to feel the freedom that comes with this release from old patterns.

The most important thing throughout this, is to get help from someone. There are many people out there who are qualified and able to help you get out of this pattern and there is nothing to be ashamed of. In my personal opinion, people may believe that we who self harm are cowards – however, having lived through this for over 20 years, and having come out the other side alive, I can honestly say that it takes a huge amount of courage to do what we do, and at the same time, that same courage is what we have to use to our advantage in getting out of the cycle and helping those who are still trapped.

These are my own thoughts and opinions and are what have personally helped me in my own life, and should not be followed without also consulting and working alongside a trained professional.