I smoked today.

Yup, that’s right !

I had a frikkin cigarette, and let me tell you, right now I am pretty disappointed in myself.

And why ?

I spoke yesterday about pushing myself beyond the limits because of what I believed in, and it’s hard at times. It takes you too totally unchartered territory and down a road much less travelled. I could quite easily have not mentioned a word of it to anyone, rationalised it all in my mind and just pretended that everything was fine.

But that’s not me and that’s not who I am.

What got to me though, is that in this giving up process, I have had many comments from people about how stopping smoking was one of the easiest things they ever did, how they never even thought about it, how they just decided they were going to give up and that was it. So when I really was struggling, changing my focus constantly, reminding myself of why I was doing this and so on, it really fucked me off big time.

I looked back at my drug and self harming addiction and remembered how liberating it was when I kicked that. I reminded myself of the times when I used to starve myself for a number of days and how terrible I felt and compared it to now. I prayed when I craved. I did things differently. But I don’t know what the heck was going on.

And for some stupid reason, today I smoked.

I knew all along what I was doing today, but you know what – for some reason, I just did and I won’t defend what I did at all.

Maybe I wanted to give myself a reason to be nasty to myself thanks to some stupid things I did recently which I did not realise I did, and in doing so, upset someone very close to me. But nope – no voices or arguments on that one. Maybe I didn’t deserve to have this breakthrough and freedom in my life, after all, so much else has changed so I should just be content. Again, no voices or arguments again.

And then a little voice whispered 2 very simple things to me. And I found myself answering with those words we say to ourselves over and over again – “yes, but I already know that !”

1)      It’s OK to let go. Just because you don’t recognise yourself anymore, doesn’t mean that you can’t still have amazing memories of everything you have done.

It’s a massive time of the year for me personally. It marks a HUGE anniversary and undertaking on more than one level. My birthday is coming up and at the same time, it is this period of time when I took one of the hugest leaps of faith to where I am today. I look in the mirror now and hardly recognise who is there, but what I do know is that I truly like and love who looks back at me and I have learnt that he really is here to stay this time. Smoking was and is my last “reminder” of a past that used to define me I guess, and even though I let go of all the shit and crap, there was still a lot of fun times, laughs and very happy times. It was a past that I chose to learn from and use to mould me into the person I dreamt of becoming, so I guess, letting go of that one final little thing had more lessons for me to learn that I probably anticipated. I am now beginning to see that letting go of this final thing is not going to take away all the happy memories that reminded me where I had come from. If anything, it was going to magnify them and make them even more memorable.

2)      It’s OK to ask for help, and not just on stuff that you don’t know. Help also truly for yourself.

This, I would probably say, is actually the bigger lesson I need to learn right now. I have learnt how to ask for help on things I do not know, such as business plans, getting stuff out of my head, creating products and the like. I don’t think I accepted that this also applies to me in what I am pushing myself through. Until now, I guess I have blindly jumped and gone where I have not gone before and then truly stretched myself to get through it and grow. This time around, I believe I have learnt I need to also reach out for personal help. When I wanted to smoke, the thought of just going up to someone and asking for a bit of help scared me intensely. I felt like I was letting them down or being stupid – remember, giving up something after all is just a matter of doing it, nothing else. So I thought it showed weakness that I was struggling and I was afraid that I would be told just to get over it and move on. Maybe it would have worked, I don’t know, but I guess I learnt the hard way. Asking for helps extends to more than tools and skills, it also makes us a very real person. Strength is born out of weakness and it is OK to ask I guess.

So what next I ask myself.

I get the box of plasters out of the cupboard, clean the graze on my knee and put one on the scratch I made when I tripped up. I blow my nose and wipe the tears away, I put away the whip (which thankfully I could not find this time – some fucker must have stolen it out of my back pocket because that is where I always used to keep it when I constantly used to beat myself up) and I keep going on that journey of self discovery to personal excellence. I will be free of this last little thing and I know deep down in my heart that it will be soon. Until then, I share my honest and raw, open feelings and thoughts of how I did it, in the hope that maybe it will help just one person who is having that very same challenge.

I was mailing someone from the other side of the world today, and she said some words that got me to this point of breakthrough, so I thought it would be pretty apt to close on them as I pick myself up again. Thank you Ig, I love and miss you dearly.

“I think that’s the bracket we fit in to. The one’s who constantly have ants in their pants and will break all the rules. You know Ga – I’ve realised that when I get to the end of my life, I want to be that little old granny that can blow people away with her stories. The only thing you have when you get older is your memories”

Be The Change You Want To See In This World

– Mahatma Gandhi

So yeah, I decided that, as I work with people and help them change their lives, based on what I have done so far, I asked myself how I could push myself to the next level and take yet big small step in my life.

I know that what I have done in my life works, and it works pretty frikkin well. I know what it is like to drastically change careers and lifestyles, I know how to basically re-invent your life from nothing. I have given up almost a lifetime of drugs in many different forms and self harming on all levels (physical, mental and emotional) is a fragment of a previous life. My health has radically changed, as have my eating habits and lifestyle and for almost 8 years now, I have learnt to live with severe bipolar depression without medication of any type. I know what it is like to follow your passion and do what you believe in despite what other people may, or may not, say and most importantly I believe that if I want to make a difference in other people’s lives, I have to start with my own.

So I was in a bit of a predicament to be honest with you, having realised what I had achieved. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine being truly free on all levels – and for those that know me, they will understand this. Almost 10 years ago, I set myself a 10-day challenge, whereby I wanted to be able to get through 10 days feeling relatively “normal” and not having constant internal battles, outbreaks at myself, no drugs, no shit generally. I undertook this on my own at that time, and let me tell you, it was only 3 years later that I managed to get through my first 10 days. One by one, I began mastering each particular challenge of mine, and I got to the place where I am today which, to be fucking honest with you, has surpassed anything I could ever have dreamt of and I now truly believe that I can achieve anything I set my mind to, as long as it is in line with my purpose and desire in life.

And there I was. Ready to take the next step and I began thinking. My business partner and I are about to launch Ego Invenio – our amazing experiential program that is frikkin awesome. Having both achieved our levels of mastery in our specific areas of expertise, we are deeply passionate about what we do for one reason. We know it works because we have tested it and tested it and tested it, over and over again on ourselves. We have the results in our lives that we know will change your life.

So I decided to set myself a challenge. Based on our unique 9-step program, amongst other things that we do, I am about to go outside and smoke my last cigarette – something that I have been doing for almost 25 years now. Over the years, I have given up drinking almost 2 bottles of vodka a day, I have given up cocaine and taking almost 50 painkillers a day, I have gone from starving myself for days on end to a healthy diet and actually gaining and keeping weight for the first time in my life, so to say that I know a little bit about working with addicts is something pretty accurate. Yet this final addiction of mine has been challenging me somewhat, until now.

Honesty is a huge value of mine, and for me to go out there and do what I want to do, I need to be our message. I need to be the change that I wish for people in their lives so this is my next challenge.

I will keep you update of the progress, and at the same time, be sure to follow us on Facebook as we prepare for our launch very shortly. We have some amazing stuff lined up and we know that you are all very excited. Ego Invenio looks set to be an amazing life changing experience and yeah, to know that in a few minutes, I am going to be taking on my final “test” to see that everything works is pretty cool !!!

Over the last few years, having previously lived my life with the belief that you get what is set for you when you are born, I have become a firm believer in the fact that you create your own destiny. I read a book some time ago called “The Luck Factor” by Dr. Richard Wiseman, that had particular influence  on the way I began to create my outcomes. Combined with learning’s that I got from many other books, I began to do some pretty cool shit so I thought that today, I would share a few simple things that you can do which will have a huge impact on the results you get.

1.    Before you begin a journey, it is always a great idea to get some idea of where you would like to go. Brainstorm or draw up a mind map of what you want in all areas of your life. This gives you something on which to focus, and the more you focus on it and refine it, the clearer you become on your intentions for you life.

2.    One of the greatest things that we can build our lives on is a solid foundation – a healthy mind, body and soul. Daily meditation is one of the simplest and easiest things that we can do. It helps us to quieten our thoughts and focus just on ourselves. Make it a habit to do this twice a day – morning and night. Use this time to let everything go and before you do it, take a look at your mind map of the journey you want to take. This plants the seeds deep in your mind and it is in the moments of silence that we receive huge clarity.

3.    Having a healthy and quiet mind is one thing, but being physically healthy is something else equally as important. Start by doing some sort of detox or cleanse to rid your body of “stuff” you have been carrying around with you. Why start a journey with bad luggage you could say. Exercise regularly and employ good eating habits.

4.    Deepak Chopra says something along the lines of “everything is unknown because we are constantly creating in our lives.” It is not positive thinking alone that “makes” the universe create your every desire, but creative thinking that truly opens up all possibilities.

5.    It is your intention and what you pay attention to that gives you your life. When you put your attention on negative past feelings and beliefs, no matter how hard you try, you will keep experiencing  them. Think about how many crap movies you have watched in your life – have you let those influence the movies you choose to watch and enjoy now, or did you just laugh and forget about the?

6.    Whenever you feel any kind of dis-ease (anger, jealousy, sadness, fear, etc.), stop and acknowledge the feeling for what it is without creating a story about it. Then keep your attention on the restriction that is has on you and just breathe into it. Just breathing and being with the feeling allows it to complete itself for you to get what you need to get – this is a natural law in that what we resist, persists, yet when we allow the feeling its place, it can complete the cycle.

7.    Create a “Board of Directors” for your life, and “consult” them whenever you want to. Tap into the universal abundance of thought and creativity. Some of my “Board Members” are Jesus, Richard Branson, Lance Armstrong, Madonna and Adam Lambert. When I am faced with decisions or choices, I meditate and sit down with them and ask them what they would do and it is amazing what happens when you listen to your heart from a genuinely quiet place.

8.    ALWAYS start and finish your day with a does of gratitude. This makes you realise how much you have and keeps you in a state of centered awareness. Intention is so much more powerful when it comes from a place of gratitude and peace rather than from lack or need. It all gives you strength and faith to not be influenced by other people’s doubt or criticisms, because your higher self knows that everything is and will be alright, even without knowing the details of what is going to happen.

9.    Before you go to sleep at night, take a few minutes to replay the events of the day gone by, kind of like a movie in your mind, and just like the movies you watched in the past, keep the pieces that you need to keep and trash the rest. You know the journey your are undertaking, and this increases awareness of how you are actually being in the world and alerts you to any changes or distinctions you may want to make.

Always remember that you are special, believe in yourself and go out into the world and pursue your dreams. Hopefully these steps will guides toward creating whatever it is what you choose.

Amazingly enough (or considering we create whatever happens to us) a close friend (let’s call him Yogi Bear for now) came to me while I was writing this and shared about something he watched. I listened in silent gratitude and after watching it, thought that it was an amazing way to end of this post. Madonna is, and always has been, a huge influence in my life. Never one to be ashamed of completely reinventing her life, her work gave me the courage to be the authentic person I always wanted to be.

I was talking with my “brother” the other day and reflecting on life and everything else that goes with it and he said something to me that made me think. He said “you learn lessons so hard and so fast that I find I learn a lot from just being around you” and so based on that, I thought I would share with you the TOP 4 Lessons I have learnt this month.

• My opinion of myself is the ONLY ONE that really matters

No matter how many times people tell you things about yourself – unless you truly believe it in your heart and accept it and own it as your own – there is no way that you will ever believe it. I used to listen to people tell me things about myself, I would say thank you, yet in my head, it was not making sense. I would then get upset when people said other things about me, sometimes even the same people who passed compliments in the past. So therefore, I contsantly fought with myself and all these conflicting things that were being said.

I can only see the world as I know it – nothing else is ever going to change that, and therefore, I can only see myself as I know myself. Like my own, people’s opinions are ALWAYS changing – things happen, things influence our beliefs and values and decisions and opinions change. But when I am sure of who I am and own who I am, and I live my life in accordance with my beliefs and values, then really, it is only my opinion of myself that matters. If I see a trend of people getting upset with me, I can take a look at myself and see why I am creating that and if there is anything I need to change. If there isn’t and I am happy with myself, then why the frikkin hell should I let other people’s opinions of me upset me.

And if I live my life influenced by everybody else’s ever changing opinions (just like mine) then how I can I be the authentic person I strive to be because you know what, there are 6 billion people in the world and there is no way I am ever going to please all of them, so I may as well start off by making sure I am happy with myself and not let other people influence who I am or how I react or live my life.

• When you speak openly and honestly from the heart, people listen and take inspired action

There was a time in my life when all I could do was talk the biggest load of crap there ever was, and then I used to wonder why people did not take any notice of me. Imagine for a minute, if you would, that you could only speak (say) 500 words a day and that was it. What would you say and how would you use those words ? Would you make the most of them and make sure you spoke your honest truth and message or would you just waste them with nonsense ? There is so much going on in the world that we are conditioned to “listen” to every day that it is no wonder so few voices are truly heard.

A few people asked me recently about a detox / cleanse that I did a while back, and I spoke about what it did for me, based on my true life fact and from the heart, because it made a huge impact on my life. A little while later, quite a few people took action and decided to have a go for themselves. It was pretty humbling to know that my words could inspire someone to take action and was a good learning for me.

• It’s OK to let go of stuff

When I got out of hospital many years ago (November 2002) I met a young student priest, who was very very open minded. He helped me a great deal, considering that I had been in hospital as a result of trying to take my own life (again) and I was pretty feckin lost – I was angry and I hated myself for what I had put my family through and I did not see the point of carrying on. After spending 3 full and intense days with him, and having some pretty profound breakthroughs back then, he gave me a parting gift that I have carried with me EVERY SINGLE DAY since then – his rosary (who I called Lordy.) Now those of you that really know me will know how important my own personal faith is in my life, and Lordy has helped me through some pretty tough shit. He has always been there as a reminder that somebody greater than myself believed in me enough to give me a fourth or fifth chance !

We went swimming one night when I was in Portugal, and I put Lordy down on my towel. It was quite late and the tide was coming in, so I ran to move my towel, carefully picking it up. We then went back into the sea and carried on swimming and chatting. I then go out and went to dry myself, and noticed that Lordy was not there. Now let me explain – there have been times in the past when I have driven to work, realised that I had left Lordy at home and turned around to go and collect Him – that is the importance he held in my heart, and one day soon, I know you will understand this more. Anyway, instead of the insane panic that would normally overcome me, all that was there was an overwhelming sense of peace and calm. In my heart, I knew that it was OK to just let go and have faith. How many times in the past did I fight and push myself through stuff, when had I just embraced it and accepted things and just let go, it would have been so much more liberating. I turned and hugged my “brother” knowing that letting go is the most exciting thing we can ever do in our lives. Why hold on to stuff that keeps one foot trapped in the past when all we have to do is let it go?

• Don’t be afraid to ask for help

Something like this used to terrify me – I guess because my opinion of myself was not that great, I was too afraid to speak openly from the heart and therefore, I was hanging on to shit from the past !!! But when I realised that I was sure of who I was and what I wanted, that my opinion mattered and if I let go of my shit and spoke openly from my heart, it was OK to ask for help. I did and the answers I got blew me away !

Fuck me mate, I used to struggle with this – working and working and working on things for hours on end, ensuring that I had every single little piece of information in the correct place,  neatly laid out and just right. I found that I was always “up against it” despite receiving great results once the work had been submitted and in my head, I was telling myself how things could have been different or better. I always wanted things to be so correct that it go to the point where I knew I had to do something about it.

I slowly began working on it all, and came up with what saved me from hours of agony, and at the same time, gave me so much more free time it was pretty cool. I therefore thought that I would share them with you to share with people who you know could benefit from following these simple steps if they choose to !

1. Acknowledge where you already are

In striving for perfection in everything that you do, acknowledge that you are already in the top percentage of the world who set out to do things. Your basic planning on a small event would be the same as everyone else planning and strategizing for months on end. Be aware of what you already do and know that it is more than what most people set out to do.

2. Prioritise

Establish what your priorities are and get clear about what they are to you. Making lists helps to see what needs to be done first, but will also help you to see that there are not enough hours in the day to do the things you may think you can. There is that quote that goes something like “we often over-estimate what we can do in a day but totally under-estimate what we can do in a life time”

3. Be Realistic

Set yourself realistic expectations as to what you want to achieve. Know that there are many other obligations that you currently have in your life such as spending time with family and friends, basic health requirements and most importantly, rest and relaxation. If you have a large project in mind, break it down into bite sized chunks, and this can also be covered under prioritizing things as well.

4. Learn

What better way to learn than to allow yourself to make mistakes. If we never make mistakes, how the hell are we ever going to learn because as you know, mistakes are nothing more than lessons and learnings. The only way to get anything “perfect” is to make the mistakes that we need to make – once you have done them once, you know not to do them again in the future. This for me was possibly one of the most challenging things I needed to get through to my head as a perfectionist, but once I realised how important it was, things became a lot easier to work on and handle.

5. Celebrate

Every single time you complete a task without spending ages double and triple checking it. Every single time you successfully complete a project on time and hand it over without questioning yourself. But most importantly, every single time you make mistakes and create new learnings for yourself.

6. Allow room for growth

Realise that in our striving for perfection in all that we do, how will we ever improve when we achieve that perceived perfection? Instead, focus on how tomorrow can be better than the amazing day we had today, regardless of what happened.

7. Nobody expects you to be perfect except yourself

Recognize that no one ever expects you to be perfect all of the time, and most of the time whilst we waste time striving for that, people are already extremely happy with us the way that we are. Another significant point to remember is that no matter what we do, other people’s perception of us will always be changing. And finally, there is no way that we will ever be able to please everyone, so we do what we do to the best of our ability, allowing room for growth and learning, and that is that !

8. Plan ahead

Schedule time to correct “learnings” before you hit your deadlines. What can be done, can be un-done or re-done, given enough time.

9. Value your work

Value quality of work on time vs. perfect work late. Sometimes our mediocre work is really much better than we think it is, only because we know what we can do, given the extra time. Stick to your time limits and look at what you did do as good and don’t get caught up thinking about what you could have done.

10. Ask for help

Learn to ask for help from those around you – there is nothing wrong with reaching out to other people and this, in fact, is a strength and trait that many people are too afraid to own. Until recently, I always thought that I had to do everything on my own (yup, pretty crazy I know) but I learnt that it takes a team to make a dream and that is what I had to do.