“Those who make it through these times show a courage not their own.”

Basic Text p. 82

Before coming to NA, or any place where we may decide that our lives need to change in a drastic way, many of us thought we were brave simply because we had never experienced fear. We had drugged all our feelings, fear among them, until we had convinced ourselves that we were tough, courageous people who wouldn’t crack under any circumstances.

But finding our courage in drugs has nothing to do with the way we live our lives today. Clean and in recovery, we are bound to feel frightened at times. When we first realize we are feeling frightened, we may think we are cowards. Were afraid to pick up the phone because the person on the other end might not understand. We’re afraid to ask someone to sponsor us because they might say no. We’re afraid to look for a job. We’re afraid to be honest with our friends. But all of these fears are natural, even healthy. What’s not healthy is allowing fear to paralyze us.

When we permit our fear to stop our growth, we will be defeated. True courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the willingness to walk through it.

Just for today: I will be courageous today. When I’m afraid, I’ll do what I need to do to grow in recovery.

The effects of drug addiction are far reaching and go way beyond just affecting the life of an addict. It has an effect on families, companies, schools, and relationships of all sorts. It also has an effect on the body of the addict and can even affect the health of those around them.

People who use drugs experience a wide array of physical effects other than those that are commonly expected. For instance, the excitement of a coke high is normally followed by a “crash” – a period of anxiety, fatigue, depression, and an intense desire for more in order to get rid of the feelings of the crash. Weed (marijuana) and alcohol interfere with motor control and are factors in many car crashes. Users of marijuana and hallucinogenic drugs can experience flashbacks – unwanted recurrences of the drug’s effects weeks or months, and sometimes even years, after use.

Sharing needles leads to an increased risk of HIV and some forms of hepatitis. This, along with increased sexual activity among addicts can greatly increase the incidence of people becoming infected with AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases.

There are over 10,000 deaths directly attributable to drug use every year; the substances most frequently involved are cocaine, heroin, and morphine, often combined with alcohol or other drugs. Many drug users engage in criminal activity, such as burglary and prostitution, in order to raise money to buy drugs, and some drugs, especially alcohol, are associated with violent behavior.

The user’s preoccupation with the substance, plus its effects on mood and performance, can lead to marital problems and poor work performance or dismissal. Drug use disrupts family life and creates destructive patterns of codependency. The spouse or whole family, out of love or fear of consequences, inadvertently enable the user to continue using drugs by covering up, supplying money, or denying that there is even a problem.

Pregnant drug users, because of the drugs themselves or poor self-care in general, bear a much higher rate of low birth-weight babies than the average. Many drugs (e.g., crack and heroin) cross the placental barrier, resulting in addicted babies who go through withdrawal soon after birth, and fetal alcohol syndrome can affect children of mothers who consume alcohol during pregnancy. Pregnant women who acquire the AIDS virus through intravenous drug use pass the virus to their unborn child.

Drug abuse affects society in many ways. In the workplace it is costly in terms of lost work time and inefficiency. Drug users are more likely than nonusers to have occupational accidents, endangering themselves and those around them. Over half of the highway deaths around us involve alcohol. Drug-related crime can disrupt neighborhoods due to violence among drug dealers, threats to residents, and the crimes of the addicts themselves. In some neighborhoods, younger children are recruited as lookouts and helpers because of the lighter sentences given to juvenile offenders, and guns have become commonplace among children and adolescents.

The great majority of homeless people have either a drug or alcohol problem or a mental illness – and many have all three. Drug addiction takes its toll on all parts of life for the drug user, the family, and society as a whole.

The time to get help for an addiction is NOW before its effects become so far-reaching, they cannot be recovered.

“Do what you will, but not because you must”
Zen Proverb

You know, I don’t know about you, but I know that recently, I have really begun to watch what I say. And not just to people around me, but rather to myself in my own little world that never stops. Yes, sometimes I do hear the things that I say to me because I actually say them out loud, but you know what surprised me ? Some of the conversations that go on in my head are pretty shocking and I really then began to force myself to listen to what was going on. Taking my own advice in Step 1 and Step 2, instead of telling myself to keep quiet, I began to just take notice of what I was saying and accept it for what it was rather than forcing myself to change it. At first, it was pretty brutal but then I began to take a look at the bigger picture.

So often, people that I work with or speak to one-on-one at events and the like will speak about things they want to do and it sounds something like “I really should start taking better care of myself“ or “I think this time I ought to take action“ or things along those line. The moment that I hear something like that, I realise that there is no passion or desire in it at all. Why “should” I start taking better care of myself of why the hell should I take action if it is something that I “ought” to do ? If there is no desire in it, then there is a really good probability that I will not complete what I set out to do or I will do it with a resentement on board. Your choice of language is a HUGE clue as to how you truly feel about things and what will and what won’t work for you.

The language that we use when we speak to ourselves, or about ourselves, is crucial to our success and achievements. I know that I can be very nasty and say pretty shit things to myself (and I think you can relate to that, right?) that after a period of time, I begin to believe. I can work on myself and uncover some of the stuff that I say, but I then, whether I like to admit it or not, tend to ignore some of the stuff that I still say to myself, and this was what shocked me a lot – hearing stuff that I was still saying and actually admitting and accepting that I was saying it. How we say what we say to ourselves can either inspire us or put us off.

If I use language such as “I will have to run regularly from now on” I honestly feel like I have to do it and won’t really want to do it as hard as I try (and trust me, this one is pretty accurate right now.) But when I say (and think) to myself “I am excited about what I am going to achieve when I start running” I feel a lot more drawn towards doing it.

NEGATIVE MOTIVATION

If you are told not to speak about something, don’t you find that you do it ? Or maybe you are told that you should not be doing something and you can’t stop thinking about the thing ? But then you are informed that it is OK to speak about something or do a certain thing and then it fades from your mind ! Because we focus so much on what we think about, whether it is out loud or in the silence of your mind, it is vitally important to focus on what you want rather than what you don’ want which is something we are continuously told do do. HOWEVER, do you truly listen to what you say or do you continuously “try” and change the patterns ? And be honest !!

NEGATIVE LANGUAGE

The same things applies to the way that you speak to youself, because “should”, “have to”, “must” and “ought to” are very negative ways of motivating yourself. I find, like I said, that if I am saying “I have to be healthy” or “I must start writing more” I honestly do not really want to do it at all. In fact, when I start listening to the others things that I am saying rather than “trying” to reframe everything, I am resisting what is going on in my life, therefore it keeps getting stronger and stronger, but because I refuse to truly listen to what I am saying, even though it is negative, I can’t actually do anything about it. See Step 1 an Step 2 to make more sense if you need to ! I kept hoping that if I forced myself into thinking about it, it could become something I would do. But what I found was happening was that I was rebelling against this internal parent telling me that I had to do something !

POSITIVE LANGUAGE

When my heart is truly into what I really want to do – and not what I think anybody wants me to do – then I begin to really want to do these things. I begin to use totally different languages, both internally and externally. I have found myself saying the strangest things over the last few days of doing this such as “I really can’t wait to get back to gym” or “I would love to cook such and such for dinner” because I know that it will make me feel better. And it is pretty exciting despite the challenges at the onset.

SO HERE’S A CHALLENGE !

Really start listening to the way you speak to yourself and what you say. Don’t try and resist it, just accept it for what it is because that is the only way that you are going to be able to recognise it and do something about it. Watch how you motivate yourself to do things day by day. But more important than anything you could ever do, use your intuition and your language together, think about the things you are doing in your life and whether or not they are TRULY YOURS ! I did recently and have been pretty shocked, and impressed, by what I have heard and what I have been doing. I tell you what mate, it makes a big frikkin difference !

This doesn’t only relate to addicts in recovery. It relates to any thing that you do in your life, regardless of what it is. As long as you continue to take steps, regardless of how big or small they are, one day you will wake up and see that you have actually covered a fair bit of ground.

A very good friend of mine asked me yesterday for some pictures of before and after I began taking the biggest steps I have ever taken. It took me a while to find them because I was never a fan of being reminded how my life used to be in many ways – it was a side of me that I fought to hide but at times, it took over until it got to the point where it controlled my life. Seeing this pictures of then and now was something I needed to see as it made all the “little steps” worth all the effort but more importantly than anything else, it made me see how far I have travelled to being the person I was born to be, not the person that I thought I had to create by taking bits and pieces of people I looked up to. So thanks JC for opening my eyes a little bit more !

“The steps are our solution. They are our survival kit They are our defense against addiction, a deadly disease. Our steps are the principles that make our recovery possible.”

There’s lots to like in Narcotics Anonymous. But the heart of our recovery program is the Twelve Steps—in fact, they are the program!

We’ve heard it said that we can’t stay clean by osmosis—in other words, we can’t just attend meetings, no matter how many, and expect to breathe recovery in through the pores of our skin. Recovery, as another saying goes, is an inside job. And the tools we use in working that “inside job” are the Twelve Steps. Hearing endlessly about acceptance is one thing; working the First Step for ourselves is something very different. Stories about making amends may be inspiring, yet nothing will give us the freedom from remorse that taking the Ninth Step ourselves will give. The same applies to all twelve steps.

There’s much to appreciate about NA, but to get the most from our recovery we must work the Twelve Steps for ourselves.

Just for today: I want everything my personal program has to offer. I will work the steps for myself.

Yes I know, I am meant to fill you in on all that went on recently but you know what, it is still sinking in and I am actually trying to make sense of it all myself so once it does make sense, I will get back to you ! What is pretty cool though is that right now, I don’t have no fucking idea what is going on in my head, I really don’t and as unsettling as that is, it is pretty neat at the same time !

Sometimes things don’t make sense and sometimes you have no idea where you are going. Last night, I got home and was rather frustrated. Based on what I have shared with you recently, I have spent the last couple of years working very hard on things that I assumed I wanted to do with my life. So in that respect, I have a large number of files full of writing and research and work that I have done on projects I want to undertake but more importantly, research and work on how I have completely changed my own life around – I guess you could say my life’s work that last 7 years was in those file. And was being the totally operative word right now.

Last night, in my frustrated and irritated mood, I tossed the lot in the trash. It was a very cathartic experience to undertake but you know what amazed me when I looked at all the stuff?

Sometimes, in fact, most times, I am so afraid to speak up about what I think I know and seriously question myself. Last night I saw how much work I had done, I saw how much pain and growth I had personally gone through, I saw where 1,000’s upon 1,000’s of pounds and dollars had gone over the last few years and I saw how much I had to share with the world if I choose to. I saw the difference that I could make to people’s lives and I saw that just when I thought of and felt like giving up, every thing I had learnt was still with me. It was pretty cool and it was pretty sad at the same time.

The paper work is gone now, I dont know where the fuck it has gone, but it’s gone. The shelves are empty but the most important thing – the essence is still there. I have NO idea what I am going to do next, I have NO idea what I should do next and for the first time ever in my life, I don’t give a fuck about it all. All around me I see so much going on, and as scared as I am to write about how I feel, it feels quite liberating to be able to say fuck it all because I know that I have put in more than enough time preparing for whatever it is that I am going to choose to do next.

Like I said at the start, I don’t know how to explain a few things right now, but when I am, you can rest assured I will share it with you. I guess the most best way to explain it right now is to say it in a few words because now I am truly beginning to get the gravity and respect that these words deserve.

THIS IS ME AND THIS IS WHO I AM

Sometimes you will like what you get and sometimes you won’t but only you can choose what you make of it all.

Fuck me, who would have known ! It’s like I always say, we say we know things and then just move on without taking notice of them.

Ran out of hot water to shower so was trawling the tube again – came across this video that knocked me in the face even though I know I am guilty of saying these things to other people in the past – we choose our experiences in life to learn lessons to help other people and I think I even mentioned it in my last post !

Anyway, I really have to go now or I will miss my train. My mind is spinning, my heart is beating and it’s like I have heard this – but really HEARD this properly – for the first time !

Having had another very very restless night, I have spent a lot of time on the internet, and one of my favourite places has to be YouTube ! The stuff you find there is amazing and thanks to a very close “brother” of mine, I came across some very interesting clips, one which brought me to tears – but then again, I cry at the drop of a fucking hat these days so maybe it wasn’t really the video.

If you have 5 minutes, take a look for youself and see what you think.

For me, it kind of sums up a lot of the thoughts and dreams that I have when I imagine that I could not achieve anything I set my mind to, so for me, seeing this in “writing” kind of gave me something serious to think about.

I am off to see the dude today regarding everything and am quite looking forward to it, but you know what is the strange thing. Living with my depression has become a way of life for me – sometimes it is easy and good and sometimes it is tough and difficult, which makes the easy and good times so much to enjoy. What I am most excited about though is the new understanding that I am going to have about the lessons I have chosen to learn.

I look forward to the freedom that it is going to bring. I look forward to a full night’s sleep without terrible dreams waking you up in a sweat. I look forward to respecting mysef more. I look forward to breaking down more barriers. I look forward to new challenges that may lie ahead. But more than anything else in the world, I look forward to sharing it all with people that need it more than me.

I tell you what, this started out as a quick one and it’s turning into something else ! Yesterday at the office, I had the opportunity to speak with someone who I choose to call a good friend. Him and I were talking about some stuff and I found myself speaking about things that I have only really mentioned in my book. It felt strange, but at the same time, somewhat liberating to  be able to share what I have gone through, but it made me realise that the thoughts in my head that I did not have much to share were fucking pathetic really. So yeah, to my friend who I call “My Basement Hulk” I just want to say thank you – thank you for listening and thank you for sharing as well.

Anyway fuckers ! I am off to shower and get ready now for my little trip up north. Nervous ! Excited ! Scared ! Excited ! Ok, that’s cool – excited came up twice so it is good to go!!! Have a fantastic frikkin day people !!

Today, I thought I would share a HUGE part of my life with you and something that I do every day of my life for the last 7 + years. Every day is a different reading or thought and sometimes, there are some awesome ones – hence wanting to share this one from a few days go with you. Working the Steps has helped me change my life completely and given me a new understanding of what goes on in the world around me. It showed me how I was being a selfish bastard most of the time, living in a victim mentality and just “surviving” in life. These same steps, combined with other things I have picked up along the way, have transformed every single area of my life and even when I go through shit patches, the steps remind me that all I need to do every single day is keep taking steps, no matter how small they are !

“We examine our actions, reactions, and motives. We often find that we’ve been doing better than we’ve been feeling.”

Basic Text, p. 42

Imagine a daily meditation book with this kind of message: “When you wake up in the morning, before you rise from your bed, take a moment for reflection. Lie back, gather your thoughts, and consider your plans for the day. One by one, review the motives behind those plans. If your motives are not entirely pure, roll over and go back to sleep.” Nonsense, isn’t it?

No matter how long we’ve been clean, almost all of us have mixed motives behind almost everything we do. However, that’s no reason to put our lives on hold. We don’t have to wait for our motives to become perfectly pure before we can start living our recovery.

As the program works its way into our lives, we begin acting less frequently on our more questionable motives. We regularly examine ourselves, and we talk with our sponsor about what we find. We pray for knowledge of our Higher Power’s will for us, and we seek the power to act on the knowledge we’re given. The result? We don’t get perfect, but we do get better.

We’ve begun working a spiritual program. We won’t ever become spiritual giants. But if we look at ourselves realistically, we’ll probably realize that we’ve been doing better than we’ve been feeling.

Just for today: I will examine myself realistically. I will seek the power to act on my best motives, and not to act on my worst.

For over 7 years now, I have been following my own routine for dealing with my bipolar, and as you know, there have been some pretty challenging times the last few weeks but there was a time those years ago when I made a pact that I would work this out without medication or traditional shit and all. It has worked really well and I am proud to say that 7 years on, I have not touched any medication or anything because that is how I choose it to be.

However, I think it’s a fucking test I tell you because ever since being sick at the end of the year, I have just not been able to get myself back on track and I began to think that maybe this was not what I should be doing with my life. When I have a bad episode, it takes every little piece of “stuff” that I know to keep me positive and not allowing myself to be sucked in, and you know, sometimes people mean well and come up with “when did you decide to be depressed?” It hurts a lot, but I always take it on board because I know what I am working towards. For the last few months, I have been writing my book and it is getting to the stage where it is almost complete – pretty scary for me especially now that I seem to be going through this shit because I really began to doubt myself a lot – 7 years of hard work and research and everything just felt totally worthless as I found myself crying at the drop of a hat and, even though I am not proud to say this, even with a sharp object in hand.

Now I don’t know about you, but I do know something about me, right ? When you have worked this hard at your life, and done a lot of things because you don’t ever want anyone to go through shit you went through, and all of a sudden find yourself in a huge rut it is damn frikkin frustrating. It just feels like you have done loads for sweet fuck all really and in the space of a few weeks, I really thought that if this had happened to me, how the hell could I make a difference and help others on a larger scale?

But then I guess I kind of made a huge distinction in my own simple head. Once coal has turned to diamonds, no matter how hard it tries, there is no way in hell that it can ever turn back. You know, once that diamond gets found, it still gets cut and polished up and all that jazz before we actually see it with our own eyes, so maybe that was what was happening to me right now. Maybe, no in fact, I am in the stage somewhere in between where the diamond gets dug out of the ground and shown to the world in whatever stage it is in. So yeah, I gotta find me a diamond cleaner and that is where I am at right now.

In the last few weeks, I have read 2 stories about the type of people that I would like to help and work with and in my own fashion (because sometimes you have to be brutally honest with yourself in order to keep yourself accountable) I said to myself “what difference could I have made if these people maybe knew that there was a way out of this hell?” and it kind of kicker my arse to keep going. Alexander McQueen and Hannah Meredith were the ones in particular that really got to me because 7 years ago, I managed to get away from the clutches of them both and that was when I made the decision I made – to speak up about dealing with these kinds of things. So yeah, when I (in my own head) relapsed in one way or another, I really doubted everything I had worked to achieve when I learnt another lesson.

Yeah maybe I had done something, but you know what, I had not given up and I still wanted to make a difference – and that was the difference that made a change in my life. Had I been brave enough to speak up, maybe these lives would have been spared – yeah, a big challenge but one that keeps me going. So now, I am finding that diamond cleaner – on Friday I will be seeing someone who specialises in working with bipolar people and am quite looking forward to it because I know that it is what I need to take that next step in getting my message out there. I know that I am already making a difference in the lives of the people who read this regularly and that is something I never believed I would be able to do and you know what, I will never know that I am “ready” because I will always be doing what I do that has got me to where I am now and if I can do that, then I know that it will work with other people, so yeah, kinda cool I guess.

And as always, the way I get to the next step I need to take is listen to music. It really is something very powerful and can do amazing things inside your head. There is a song out there at the moment that, if you change one word, it really gives me an inspiring message, so why not listen to it now and see which word you need to change to keep you going towards what you want out of life. Yup, some of you may not like the artist, but hey, different strokes for different folks, so therefore I thought I would find another video with the same song, of people doing things to MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE, to keep you amused !