I know that I wrote about the 1st step some time ago and have been meaning to get around to doing it, but for some reason, other things have been coming up and getting in the way of me completing the steps. But it has kept on at me and growing stronger and stronger, so yeah, here I am sharing what I use as my second step, whislt showing myself again that the first step is kinda true – anything you resist in your life will persist and get stronger. So now I am just accepting that it is time to write the second step and the resistance leaves me ! Pretty frikkin cool mate !! Besides, I read this blog and it reminded me of what I wanted to share with you, so yeah !

The second step took me a while to accept, but I guess that is because I can be so damn stubborn at times. I found that once I stopped resisting things and just accepted them for exactly what they were, I was a bit lost for a moment. I kept saying “well I want this shit to go away, I have now just accepted that this is the way it is, now what ?” And that was when I got the principle that I would like to share with you.

I was so focused on rather changing what I was resisting than feeling and going through what I was resisting, that I was in effect, trying to do more than one thing at once. Men and woman have had an age-old argument about multi-tasking and yes, it is something that we all try and do. However, and this is my sole view of this, when we look at the 2nd principle that no two things can ever occupy the same space at the same time, true multi tasking falls out of the window.

For example, if I am sitting in a seat on the bus, there is no way that you would be able to sit on that same seat. And it is exactly the same in the case of me and my emotions – if I am sad, I cannot be happy at the same time, or if I am angry, I cannot be calm at the same time. Just like right now – you are seated reading this blog – you can only be seated and reading this blog, you can’t be doing anything else.

This may rub some people up the wrong way, but hey, that’s what we are all here for really – to share our honest and open views about what changes our lives. I found that I was being so focused and intent on improving my life, striving for this ideal image of who I should be and all the while, this was saying to me in my head that I was less than perfect or flawed or that something was wrong with me. I was so focused on what I wanted to feel and do, meanwhile I was resisting everything that I didn’t want to do that I was trying to be in so many different places at once. When I realized that in this very moment, now, I could only be exactly as I was and absolutely fuck all else, it changed my life. I had the idea that I could be different, but in reality, I was who I was right then and there. Some of you are going to say “yeah, it’s all about the now and that is all there is” but do you really and truly live it and accept it? Yup, I say “I know about all this” yet still I want more so if that is the case, am I really living it.

I fully applied this principle this last weekend, and spent a lot of time doing some of the things that I love doing. To celebrate the Chinese New Year, I went out and got my face painted which was pretty cool – sitting in a packed shopping centre like a kid, getting my face done by a face painter who was quite excited about painting an adult’s face for once. To end of the day, I decided to continue the face painting tradition and had an amazing night out with friends, just totally being in one place at one time, just being me !

Life is a continual now, it is always now and when we forget about resisting things, when we accept that we can only be in one place at one time, doing one thing at one time (and truly giving it 100% of our effort and not multi-tasking) we can only be in the now and be exactly the way we are.

I tell you what, time frikkin flies by these days and sometimes, it feels like I have actually got nowhere closer towards what I want to do with my life and it gets pretty frustrating to say the least. But yeah, 2 months down into 2010 – the year of doing for me – and I found myself questing myself yet again ! Who would believe that huh !!

So, after a pretty intense 2 weeks, all I can say is thank fuck I got through it. Leaving work this evening, I found myself somewhat disheartened by my seeming lack of progress and then I actually got to being a bit more kind to myself. And that was when some tears rose to the surface – again !!

I was standing on the crowded platform at London Bride Underground Station, waiting to catch my final tube connection home for the night when this totally different blog dawned on me. A few days ago, I gave you what I think is Step 1 of 3 Steps and tonight I was going to add in the second step – who knows, maybe I still will. Anyway, after questioning myself and my progress for a while, I thought about some stuff that I had learned this year and it was pretty cool. I did not feel like getting my note book out of my back pack so instead, I took my phone out of my pocket and started typing mysef a note. The more I wrote, the more the tears came, to the point that some kind young dude asked if I was OK – something that you do not see every day in London I must add. So I thought I would share with you, and get you to probably share with yourself, or even here, what you have learnt so far this year. Some of them are hard for me to personally admit because (thanks to my lack of self belief at times) they seem to sound somewhat arrogant, yet all I am doing is accepting what is and, for once, owning it instead of giving it away to someone else.

So, in 2010 I have learnt: -

1) That I am “me” and that that is something pretty damn special. It’s a pretty unique thing this model of a man and I am beginning to see that it is something quite damn cool too !!

2) That even though inside of me I feel like nothing special, people look up to me more than I actually realise.

3) That sometimes, no matter how hard I work or how hard I try, even my hardest work and efforts will still not be good enough for others and that hurts me a lot. However, I have learnt that my hard work is MY hard work and nobody can, or will, EVER take that away from me. As long as I can, hand on my heart and honestly, say that I have done my very best, then that is all that I can do. It will help me to know what I should and should not do next time but I am still allowed to feel a little upset. It also reminds me about the time old principle of kharma and all that that beholds.

4) That puddles are still one the greatest thing that God ever sent down with the rain because jumping in them still makes me laugh all by myself.

5) That I have really learnt that I do not like 2-faced people at all and sometimes, even people you considered to be friends do not have the courage to speak to you to your face about things. And that reminds me to ensure that I am always upfront and honest about things as well.

6) That someone, somewhere is always watching every single thing that you do all the time through their own “sunglasses” or through their own view of the world. They will read whatever it is that they want into what you are doing with no thought or question for what it is that you are actually doing.

7) That quiet farts are still the most violent ones – I am a man after all, and will always fart, regardless of what I might say !

8 ) That if my values and beliefs really are that important to me, I will continuosly do the best that I can to stay true to those because that is who I have become and who I strive to be every single day of my life. Sometimes, I don’t quite get there and that reminds me that I am human and that’s OK too, but that it’s not an excuse to be someone who I am not.

9) That when I let myself, I know how to have a lot of fun.

10) That I should let myself have a lot more fun.

11) That I know more than I let myself believe that I know.

12) That even though I am still afraid to say it sometimes, my opinion matters and my feelings matter too, and that it is OK to choose to feel those feelings because they are mine and I don’t have to pretend to feel something else. I guess I should share Step 2 and 3 with you soon than.

13) That it is OK to grow past people and that it is OK to accept that you deserve to be in the positions you are put into.

14) That I have been truly blessed to have gone through things that I have gone through because it has allowed me to have such an open minded view of the world.

15) That I love to wear crazy crazy underwear sometimes.

16) That there are 5 people in this world who I love more than anything and when I feel like giving up, their faces pop into my mind and their smiles keep me kicking my own arse.

17) That sometimes, teddy bear’s are a man’s best friend and every man should have one because they don’t say anything when you cry.

18) That growing is painful because you are turning into something that you can never turn away from, no matter how hard you try. I guess it is like being born again and again and again and again ! Some people just like to change a little bit at a time, I have learnt that I like to do it lots at a time !

19) That I still hate doing laundry and tidying my room !

20) That I didn’t realise that my list of things that I have learnt this year was this long.

I was meant to go to a wedding this weekend in the Lke District, which I was really looking forward to – a break away from the hustle and bustle of London, and a break away from working all the time, which is something I have unfortunately slipped back into. However, the universe must have had other thoughts as yesterday, I missed my alram clock, some stuff came up, and I could not make it up there so, in old style ways, I guess I kind of dreaded the weekend to be honest.

If I am not working at an event, I kind of work on my stuff – writing my book, which is almost finished and catching up with laundry and all that kind of shit – you know the stuff. It seems like a whole other life time ago that I actually “had” a weekend, so when this came around, I thought fuck this shit, I am going to actually put my money where my mouth is and this weekend was going to be about Number 1 and 2 !!

I guess you could say the past weekends off have got into a routine and it was beginning to get to me a little bit because I had lost site of things I would love to do – whatever they were. You see, this is something that I have always had a challenge with because for so long, I lived my life for other people. Some of you may know what I am talking about when I say this and say of you might probably say what a freak, but nonetheless, I dont really care. All I know is that on my journey, I found that I had forgotten all the small things that I loved to do and that was not what I set out to do this year, however, I found myself slipping back to that pattern hence where I am right now.

So, today I have a rough idea of what I am going to do and I will soon be on my way to meet up with one of my closest friends here – we spent the evening together the other night and she really makes me laugh. Over the last few months, I guess you could say that I have probably not spent as much time as I could with my friends as I have been focusing elsewhere really – work and career probably took up 90% of my personal time as I had committed to making a HUGE change there, so now it is time to get some balance back.

I am pulling out the camo combats (sorry Mister, and you know who you are ;o)) and putting on some outrageous bright underwear (just because I can and those of you who were part of the team I mentioned last weekend) and we are going to hit London town baby !! We will take tourist photo’s for you to see and we will visit a few secret places with some amazing graffitti which is something that I love – there is something truly creative and expressive in graffitti, there really is.

This weekend, for me, is about being with me really. It is about being who I am and I guess you could say, it is about being selfish. If I cant spend honest quality time with myself doing what I want to do and what makes me smile, then there is no way in hell that I can spend honest quality time with anybody else. Because when I put other people first and forget about what I want to do, I am not truly there with them. When I resist what I want to do, even if it feels like I have NO IDEA what it is that I want to do, then I can’t be fully present in any other situation ! It probably sounds like a paradox to some people, but think about it and you will get it, and if you don’t, then that’s OK too. I didn’t for a long time, a very long time in fact, until I realised I had forgotten what I liked to do.

So yeah, I am kinda looking forward to the rest of the day. The sun is shining here in London and it ain’t often that that happens so I am going to make the most of it.

What are you going to do today that you wouldn’t normally do ? Or are you just going to have a regular weekend, doing what you are used to because that is what you do at weekends ? How about taking some SELFISH time out to remember the things that make you act like a kid, and just do them instead ?

It really can be that simple if you want it to be. We spend so much time planning stuff, wanting to do things and all that kind of crap that we tend to become overwhelmed by everything. Or maybe I am speaking for myself because I know that there are some big things that I want to do so I have plans and lists as long as my arms and legs, which isn’t that long really and I am constantly wondering when and how things are going to work out that I lost sight of me and what I really wanted in life.

You know, for all I know, I could get hit but a fucking bus on the way home tonight and then what ? What the feck will I have to show for all this supposed hard work that I have been putting in lately and I am sure some of you have seen some of it, and I know that some of you have read about some of it it. And that was why I decided that this year, rather than set goals and stuff, I was just going to DO things and do them differently. It was challenging at first – very challenging to be honest – but I am now beginning to get used to it and thought that it would be cool if I shared some stuff that has really HELPED me a huge amount.

Some of you will read this and say “yeah, I know that stuff already” and I have done that so many times in the past – read something and thought “yup, I know that” and carried on. But this time, I thought I would DO something differently because I read something else not too long ago that I really loved because I know I have been guilty of it – I read a book and expect things to miraculously change in my life, all the while, I aint doing sweet fuck all differently ! So this time around, when I was reading what I was reading, I challenged myself to actually DO more of the shit I read instead.

SO I am going to share with you the first simple step today and see if you take the time to do it rather than just read it. Don’t say “oh I know that one and I do it” and things like that, just sit back and really do it this time.

The first step is this – anything you resist in your life will persist and get stronger. You know what I am talking about right ? You feel depressed or angry or frustrated because something is not going the way you want it. You don’t want to feel that way because it doesn’t feel good, so you try and pretend to feel something else or challenge yourself with a bit of self-talk like “oh, when did I decide to feel this or that way” and therefore, you “change your mind” and are miraculously no longer angry or frustrated or depressed. Yet somehow, it keeps knocking at your door and getting stronger and stronger, no matter how much you try to “pretend to feel something else.” I was doing this myself recently – really forcing myself to not truly acknowledge how I was feeling deep down inside and making myself believe that I did not need to feel that way. It was frustrating and made me feel worse and no matter how hard I tried, it just would not go away.

So I read this, and my first reaction was “yes, I know all about that stuff” and that was when I caught myself. Sometimes, we get so caught up in the details and supposedly serious stuff, that we forget about the small basic things that we learnt right at the beginning. When I acknowledge what I am feeling and truly allow myself to feel it, only then do I give myself back the power to move on. No ulterior motives. No underlying intentions. Just truly feel what you are feeling because that is what it is there for – to feel and to teach you something. When you try to put it off and do something else instead, you are denying that which has been given to yoou to make you into something else.

Following on from my earlier rambling the last few days have been a little bit strange and I cant quite seem to put my finger on it. Anyway, I guess that is what happens when you wear new clothes – they feel slightly different at first and then you kind of get used to them and they become part of you so that is where I want to be headed.

And in thinking about all this, I have made a decision deep down inside of me in the place where real decisions are made. You know the ones that I mean ? The ones where you know things will be different and you know that you will do things different. I spent the evening with one of my close friends learning a lot about the world of blogging and all that involves. It was a lot of fun and I learnt a lot and it has helped me come up with a few strategies in my mind to keep me on track to where I want to be, because there have been a few weeks lately where I have been slightly pissed off that I seem to be far away from anywhere. So this for me is a good thing, it really is.

I guess you could say that acceptance combined with a strong driving decision made deep down inside is a pretty powerful thing.

You know what ? I am a pretty stubborn person, someone who is really tough on themselves and at times, refuses to see things that other people see. I work frikkin hard on myself – sometimes harder than I actually think I do, and at times I wonder “what the fuck am I doing?” or “why am I doing this to myself?”

Anyway, this weekend I spent doing what I absolutely love and enjoy in life and that is being around people who help people to change their lives. I got an opportunity to speak this weekend in front of 1000 people – it was not a long thing or anything, it was basically a brief introduction to say what has happened in my life. 2 years ago, I attended this very event and to say that I was in a mess is putting it lightly. I took some advice that weekend and began a journey to changing my life, or as someone brought to my attention last week, I started to re-invent myself.

This weekend just past, I think I finally saw something. I think I finally saw a glimpse of my hard work and how far I had come. As I wrote a few posts ago, there are things that I am struggling with at the moment, and things are a bit tough on the personal side. I had a team working with me this weekend who were fucking outstanding, they really were. They picked things up so quickly and they were always on the ball, answering questions, helping people, changing peoples lives and they made me so proud. I even got to know what colour underwear they were wearing every day so it was pretty cool. Anyway, today I was sitting with someone at the office and we were going through a few things when it all hit me.

You see, my bipolar shit has been pretty messed up as I said, and when I do not get the chance to have my “wind down” at the end of the day, things are quite tough. Lately it has been so bad that I tend to be afraid to go to sleep because I dont know what kind of mood I am going to wake up in in the morning, so yeah, it’s tough but it’s OK. We were going through some comments that had been raised over the weekend and I learnt something huge – something that I actually did not believe of myself. I learnt that people actually looked up to me in one way or another. People liked the way that I trained them and people respected what I had to say in a big way. I inspired them to step up and I inspired them with my words. Even more so, after speaking briefly to the crowd I mentioned, one of the people in the audience actually came and spoke to me about some stuff that he was going through, saying that what I said was what he needed to hear.

And it made me sit back and take everything in. It made me open my eyes and see something different for once – it made me see that the person I had wanted to be was with me all along, I was just to stubborn to allow myself to see him. Now if you know me, you will know that this is a frikkin big thing right now. JC said to me last week that it was about time I actually saw how far I had come since we met each other and you know what, I think I am finally seeing that. It feels a little strange to say this but I like what I see.

I have been reading an awesome book the last few days and the lessons that it contained have made a big difference in this new outlook. Sometimes we just have to step back and see things as they really are, and then and only then, can the change complete itself. This weekend, I stepped out and looked at things as they were – no judgment, no motive, no nothing – and I saw it. I liked what I saw and I liked looking at me. I was proud of me for the first time I think. I was proud of who I am and what made me even prouder than anything was that I did not have to act or pretend, I did not have to put on a mask for anyone and I just had to be me. Gareth ! I have been looking so hard for what I thought people wanted to see, when all along all I had to do was see myself for who I truly am, for the person I have become and for the values I strive to be every single day of my life. If I could put into words how truly liberating this was, then I would, but until I can, all I can say to you is this – I think I understand what self acceptance truly is now and for that I am truly grateful.

It’s strange you know, when you live your life at Cause. I find that I can take it to the far extreme myself and being the self harming type persona that I can be, it makes me seriously question myself a lot of the time because when some shit goes down, I find myself asking “well what in this situation is about me and why am I feeling this way.”

You know what, I have worked pretty fucking hard on myself over the last 7 or 8 years, and hard is actually a bit of an understatement I am beginning to realise as I speak to more and more people I aspire to be like. To say that I am a different person to who I was some years back is a pretty apt description of me today, yet I know that there are still things that I can work on and change and all that kind of crap because that is who I am. I want to be the best person I can be at all times, and the foundation I have right now is pretty cool. So when shit goes down, I do look at myself a lot (maybe too much at times) and see how I can handle the situation and how I can change things myself because, after all, the only reality in the world is the way that I see things and do things, absolutely nothing else exists outside of that. You can argue but take a minute to think about it – is your world the same as anybody else’s world – it ain’t ! Anyway, that is a whole other story in itself.

So recently I have found myself surrounded by some pretty – I am trying to think of a way to put this that is polite but I am struggling, so as always I am just going to speak my mind. I find myself surrounded by some pretty 2-faced fuckers. Yup ! You know the type I am thinking of. They say one thing to your face but the minute you are out of the room, something else entirely different gets said. And there I was, questioning myself. What about my world is doing this – where am I being 2-faced in my life and so on.

Yes, there are some areas of my life that I keep to myself – not because I am ashamed of them, but because they have nothing to do with other people if you know what I mean, so maybe on some level I am a 2-faced bastard. But on the whole, I am a pretty open and honest kind of guy because I don’t see the point in secrets – they keep you sick and they hurt you more than anyone can hurt you. So maybe that is why this situation is irritating me, I don’t know. But man it has fucked me off quite intensly which is stupid really because I am doing nothing else than allowing these people to rent free space in my head – space that could be used for much better and productive things.

I don’t know. Do I confront the issue and tackle it head on, or do I just stay true to myself, knowing that I am working and doing what I can, knowing that I am being who I say I am and doing what I say I do, rather than going about bitching about everyone and then smiling to their faces. Why do people have to be like that ? It makes me wonder about the trust that I spoke about some time back. Do we ever know who and what to trust or do we just be honest to ourselves – again, I think I just answered my own question there and earlier on. The only world in existence is the world we have in our minds and we can trust that I guess.

Living with bipolar sucks big time, it really does. There are times when you can cope with it, and at the same time, there are those where it consumes every single ounce of energy and effort that you have. I lived for years on medications, and abused them a lot of that time too. It got to me having to rely on something to keep me going, so after a particularly bad episode, I decided that somehow, I was going to give it a go without the meds because I was just fed up.

For 5 years now, I have lived without the meds and let me tell you, it has had its moments. Sometimes, I feel like a woman – please don’t get me wrong here ladies – and yes, I know the comments some of you may be passing right now ! Normally, I can hide it pretty well from most people because my deeply manic period only lasts a few days and is normally relatively easy to handle. But fuck me ! The last few months have been shit, that is all I can say. Never in my life have I had to work so fucking hard to get through a day without crying or tripping myself up.

I know what it is to be grateful to be alive and have a chance today, believe me when I say that, but you know what, the last weeks have taken it out of me. I am scared to go to sleep because I don’t want to dream the bad dreams I have been having, and I don’t want to not know what I am going to wake up to. I know some of you will say “well when did you decide that” and trust me when I tell you this, never in my wildest dreams would I want someone to go through this shit. It hurts deep down inside. It makes you mind dark and tired and it takes all of your energy just to get through the day, let alone make every effort to be the cheery person people are so used to seeing most of the time. That is one thing I have leant – there have been times when I have really been pushing myself to get through a day, fighting what is going on, and people have been really uplifted and energised by my presence, and then on a good day, people like having me around. That is something that keeps me pushing through, fighting this dark, black heavy cloud.

But at the moment, I am tired. Since starting this recording of my life, I have always said that I am going to be honest with you, so yeah, this is my honest account. It is frustrating and confusing, it is hard and it is very lonely at times – I get scared to speak to people when I go through this. I made an effort recently and it ended up in an argument about going to see a doctor. If you knew how much it means to me to be able to deal with this without medication, maybe it could make a bit of sense – then again, do you think maybe I am being silly or stubborn ? I don’t know?

Why ? I ask myself why do I have to have this in my life ? And you know what always comes to my mind ? Because if I can get through this and live with this, then maybe, just maybe, there is a chance that I can make a difference to someone who suffers from this or something similar. And then today, I heard someone speak about some stuff. He inspires me this man, he really does. I guess you could say he is the catalyst that brought about this site, he is the catalyst that got me to get my story and my way of life out of my head and he always seems to come around just when you need him. His words make it OK (in my head) to be bipolar, because when I am in my seriously manic phases, I come up with some mind blowing ideas that I used to be afraid of sharing with people because they thought I was kinda nuts – which I am in a way.

I guess I am finding the faith and courage to keep those manic moments with me when I hit the bad patches. Some of you will know what I am talking about living a life like this, but for me, some words written by my friend I mentioned earlier about a week ago really made me see my life and the way I choose to live it. He said I don’t care how much personal development someone has done, books they’ve read or people “in the know” they know. Show me who you are when the shit hits the fan & then the truth shall be known. Personal development isnt an “Act” put on when attending events or out in public when things are rosy- it is a way of life. a style of life you live & commit to. Discipline and practice- The rest is just bull shit

If I can get to where I am now doing what I have been doing, I can’t be doing that bad of a job. I work hard every single day to get through the day because it has become a way of life for me. Sometimes I am tired and I want to get off but I cant because if I do, it is pretty tough to get back on. So yeah, like now, I am having a bad patch and I am sharing it, probably openly like this for the very first time. If I can do it, then so can you. When things are tough, you don’t have to be afraid of what people will think like I do. It makes it harder. We just have to be strong and trust that there are safe people who will be able to listen when we talk our crazy talk every now and then. I don’t do it on purpose, I promise you because it is the last thing that I want to do but sometimes I need to, that is all.

I dream of a day when I will wake up and it will all be gone. I dream of a time when a week goes by without crying when trying to watch TV or movies. I dream of a time when I will sleep through the night without bad dreams or waking up so many times. But more important than that. I am grateful that today, I got through it again. I am grateful that I have been given a third chance to have an amazing life. I am grateful for the people in my life who inspire me and encourage me without knowing how much they are actually doing for me. I am grateful for the fact that I now see how far I have come and how much my life has changed. I am grateful that I now am able to speak openly to my amazing ex-wife and for the beautiful children we share. I am grateful for the fact that I have truly accept myself for who and what I am and am no longer ashamed of it. I am grateful for so much that it makes it all worth while, so until I have some energy back, my gratitude list keeps me going.