I came across this song today that made me reflect on the journey of a dream, and whilst watching it, was startled by how so many things deeply personal to me were in one place at one time, being performed by someone hugely influential in my life for standing up and being who he is and sharing his message.

These quotes have been taken from the spoken pieces throughout the video but echo my thoughts, hence my desire to share them with you.

“There’s so many moments you could share with anyone, someone, and you feel like that moment would just last forever, when it’s only a night, it’s only a moment.”

“Fate has its tricky ways of throwing something in front of you you’ve never expected.”

“My philosophy in life is don’t regret anything you do, coz in the end, it makes you who you are.”

Many years ago, a dream was born deep down inside my heart, and it is one that I have been working towards now for some time. When I first began thinking about it and working on it, it scared me a bit, but deep down inside, it made me work hard. It made me learn things and teach myself things, it kept me going when I did not think that I had the strength to continue, but most of all, it was my “why” in the grand scheme of things.

You see, to me anyway, faith is important. Faith in something is my fundamental reason for being where I am today. I don’t care what people believe in, what God they follow or how they choose to live their lives – when they ask me what my difference that makes a difference is, it always comes back to that same thing – faith.

Faith is taking action when the impossible seems overwhelming. It is pushing yourself beyond those limits inside your mind, taking you to places that you never before comprehended. It is about taking those small steps that give you the strength, conviction and courage to make the big steps and sometimes even those big leaps you need to take. Faith connects you up with amazing people who help you fly across and through those barriers that you sometimes just can’t seem to get through on your own, and it is what gets the ideas out of your heart and out to the world, helping you to follow your why in life.

Anyway, back to the big dream.

“I just wish there was no such thing as fighting. That the world could be like, just perfect in every way, that we could get along. But obviously that can’t happen.”

Or could it? Maybe it’s time we changed that !

There are lights and music. There is excitement in the air – you know that tingle that you feel when something special is about to happen. There are people – young and old, boys and girls, brothers and sisters, friends and family, every single type of person you could imagine – all there together for one reason alone.

• To go on a journey.
• A journey of self discovery.
• Together. As one community, united to making a change in the way the world works and thinks.
• Coming in as one person and leaving totally turned inside out.
• Experiencing something life changing in an amazing way.

It’s in a stadium and there are 1000’s upon 1000’s of people. 100,000 people to be exact. There is music and dancing and singing and above all else, there is a message and a story.

That no matter what life serves up on your plate; it is what you do with it that actually counts. It is how you choose to show up every day in your life, no matter what the fuck you want to do. Oh yes, and every now and then, there are a few words that do come out, as you may well know by now. It is about not being afraid to be the real you, the real person that you were put on this earth to be. A friend of mine has waited 7 years for his dream to come true, and seeing that being realised has made me even more excited for mine because I know that one day, it could happen.

This brought me back to my faith. It made me look back at all the steps that I have taken – alone and together with friends – over the last decade of my life. It made me realise and see that I was and am getting closer to the edge, where I know that I am going to have to take some of the biggest steps I have ever taken.

And that is what faith is all about. It’s about working that muscle day in and day out, making sure that you exercise it regularly – I do that through prayer and meditation, through reaching out to others and by sharing my message with the world. A muscle without exercise will only shrink and wither away and that is why you have to keep working at it.

How will you exercise that muscle today?

I just did.

“Everyone is just going crazy these days. It’s like the end of the world.”

“If you make a promise to yourself, you have to keep it, no matter what.”

“Some people believe in God, I believe in music. You know, some people pray, I turn up the radio.”

“Music makes the world go round, and for me, if it wasn’t around right now, I wouldn’t’ be around right now. Music is everything – to me. That’s all I can say.”

Again, thanks Mom !

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off to the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.

My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, ‘Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!’

This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, ‘The Law of the Garbage Truck.’

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment.

As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they’ll dump it on you. Don’t take it personally.

Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.

Don’t take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.

Life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets,

SO . . .

Love the people who treat you right.

Pray for the ones who don’t.

Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

Have a blessed, garbage-free day!

“Dance like nobody’s watching; love like you’ve never been hurt. Sing like nobody’s listening; live like it’s heaven on earth.”
Mark Twain

I think that Mr. Twain was a pretty wise dude you know. He said some really cool things and this, by far, is one of my favorite sayings and one that I truly make every effort to live my life by.

I am by no means a person who believes in selfconfidence, and in my opinion, I don’t think that there is such a thing – kind of conentious (sp) one might say. But what I do believe in, and if you are a follower of my blogs I kind of touched on this in my last posting, is self assurance – which I think is a very big difference.

You see, at the end of the day, the only opinion that really counts in my life of myself is mine. Selfish as that might sound, I guess you could say it opens up the possibilities to appreciating everybody in my life that much more, because they have every right to their own opinions, their own feeling and their own actions. I can’t change them but I can accept them as they are, which make you all very special in my life because each and every one of you that live my life with me play an integral part in who I am today. Without knowing you, or meeting you and speaking to you, there is no way I could have ever accepted myself for who I am every single day.

I love to sing – a lot !! And I love to dance – even more. And I believe that I can make my own heaven each and every day of my life (why should I wait until I am dead to get there when I can choose it every day?) So I thought – what is something simple and small that would scare me a lot and really push my buttons? And I came up with it. Me, singing for every one to see, on camera – captured for all eternity, or for as long as I choose it to be public knowledge.

So today, I did just that. I sang like nobody was listening and I danced liked nobody was watching. And why? Just because I could and just because I thought it would be something crazy and fun to do. Some people will like it, some people will laugh and some people will think it is just plain silly. But it was a lot of fun and the words were pretty cool too !

Today, why don’t you do something small that really pushes your buttons. Don’t worry what anyone else thinks – just get out there and be yourself. It frikkin rocks man !!!

I was talking with my “brother” the other day and reflecting on life and everything else that goes with it and he said something to me that made me think. He said “you learn lessons so hard and so fast that I find I learn a lot from just being around you” and so based on that, I thought I would share with you the TOP 4 Lessons I have learnt this month.

• My opinion of myself is the ONLY ONE that really matters

No matter how many times people tell you things about yourself – unless you truly believe it in your heart and accept it and own it as your own – there is no way that you will ever believe it. I used to listen to people tell me things about myself, I would say thank you, yet in my head, it was not making sense. I would then get upset when people said other things about me, sometimes even the same people who passed compliments in the past. So therefore, I contsantly fought with myself and all these conflicting things that were being said.

I can only see the world as I know it – nothing else is ever going to change that, and therefore, I can only see myself as I know myself. Like my own, people’s opinions are ALWAYS changing – things happen, things influence our beliefs and values and decisions and opinions change. But when I am sure of who I am and own who I am, and I live my life in accordance with my beliefs and values, then really, it is only my opinion of myself that matters. If I see a trend of people getting upset with me, I can take a look at myself and see why I am creating that and if there is anything I need to change. If there isn’t and I am happy with myself, then why the frikkin hell should I let other people’s opinions of me upset me.

And if I live my life influenced by everybody else’s ever changing opinions (just like mine) then how I can I be the authentic person I strive to be because you know what, there are 6 billion people in the world and there is no way I am ever going to please all of them, so I may as well start off by making sure I am happy with myself and not let other people influence who I am or how I react or live my life.

• When you speak openly and honestly from the heart, people listen and take inspired action

There was a time in my life when all I could do was talk the biggest load of crap there ever was, and then I used to wonder why people did not take any notice of me. Imagine for a minute, if you would, that you could only speak (say) 500 words a day and that was it. What would you say and how would you use those words ? Would you make the most of them and make sure you spoke your honest truth and message or would you just waste them with nonsense ? There is so much going on in the world that we are conditioned to “listen” to every day that it is no wonder so few voices are truly heard.

A few people asked me recently about a detox / cleanse that I did a while back, and I spoke about what it did for me, based on my true life fact and from the heart, because it made a huge impact on my life. A little while later, quite a few people took action and decided to have a go for themselves. It was pretty humbling to know that my words could inspire someone to take action and was a good learning for me.

• It’s OK to let go of stuff

When I got out of hospital many years ago (November 2002) I met a young student priest, who was very very open minded. He helped me a great deal, considering that I had been in hospital as a result of trying to take my own life (again) and I was pretty feckin lost – I was angry and I hated myself for what I had put my family through and I did not see the point of carrying on. After spending 3 full and intense days with him, and having some pretty profound breakthroughs back then, he gave me a parting gift that I have carried with me EVERY SINGLE DAY since then – his rosary (who I called Lordy.) Now those of you that really know me will know how important my own personal faith is in my life, and Lordy has helped me through some pretty tough shit. He has always been there as a reminder that somebody greater than myself believed in me enough to give me a fourth or fifth chance !

We went swimming one night when I was in Portugal, and I put Lordy down on my towel. It was quite late and the tide was coming in, so I ran to move my towel, carefully picking it up. We then went back into the sea and carried on swimming and chatting. I then go out and went to dry myself, and noticed that Lordy was not there. Now let me explain – there have been times in the past when I have driven to work, realised that I had left Lordy at home and turned around to go and collect Him – that is the importance he held in my heart, and one day soon, I know you will understand this more. Anyway, instead of the insane panic that would normally overcome me, all that was there was an overwhelming sense of peace and calm. In my heart, I knew that it was OK to just let go and have faith. How many times in the past did I fight and push myself through stuff, when had I just embraced it and accepted things and just let go, it would have been so much more liberating. I turned and hugged my “brother” knowing that letting go is the most exciting thing we can ever do in our lives. Why hold on to stuff that keeps one foot trapped in the past when all we have to do is let it go?

• Don’t be afraid to ask for help

Something like this used to terrify me – I guess because my opinion of myself was not that great, I was too afraid to speak openly from the heart and therefore, I was hanging on to shit from the past !!! But when I realised that I was sure of who I was and what I wanted, that my opinion mattered and if I let go of my shit and spoke openly from my heart, it was OK to ask for help. I did and the answers I got blew me away !

My Mom has the most amazing intuition in the world – a gift I clearly now realise that I got from her. Due to the distance apart that we are, and that fact that phone systems in Zimbabwe are pretty messed up, I don’t get to speak to her much, but she knows just when to send the right type of mail across the world to me.

As you may know from my previous post, some pretty big shit has shifted in my head, and I have had a few days of rather intense and vivid dreams, as well as some very “unrestful” sleep – in fact, A LOT of unrestful sleep. My body is physically drained yet my mind is raring to go, possibly explaining all the dreams. I am going with the flow of it all and taking things one day at a time at the moment. I am putting plans in place and taking steps towards creating the dream that I once thought was just that – a dream. And then there are some areas that are not without their challenges, and those I am working in too. It is very difficult when other people’s emotions are involved, and all I can do is be me, open and honest about everything I guess.

So this came from my Mom at exactly the right time. It summed up a lot of what has happened over the last 2 years of intense work on myself, and you know what, I have (as have you) probably read it in the past, but this time it really sunk in and I feel obligated to share it with you all.

Maybe…
we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that,
when we finally meet the right person,
we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe…
it is true that we don’t know what we have until we lose it,
but it is also true that we don’t know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe…
the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past;
after all, you can’t go on successfully in life
until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

Maybe…
you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human,
and enough hope to make you happy.

Maybe…
the happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe…
the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.

Maybe…
happiness waits for all those who cry,
all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried,
for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe…
you should do something nice for someone every single day,
even if it is simply to leave them alone.

Maybe…
giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back.
Don’t expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart;
but, if it doesn’t, be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe…
you should dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go,  be what you want to be,
because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of,
and want to do.

Life is only travelled ONCE;
Today’s MOMENT becomes Tomorrow’s MEMORY.
Enjoy every moment, good or bad, because the GIFT of LIFE… is LIFE itself…

EGO INVENIO my friends ! The journey to the heart of knowing yourself is one of the MOST rewarding journeys you will ever undertake. By no means the easiest, but by all means the most rewarding.

A little over 2 years ago, I embarked upon a journey of self discovery, one that I had been travelling along on, on my own for some years at that stage. I made a decision back then that it was time to reach out for help rather than trying to do everything on my own because even though my life had radically changed in the years running up to that point, there was still a few things that I was struggling with and because I was doing it on my own, I felt like I was getting nowhere.

Just under a week ago, I have the amazing privilege to attend Billionaire Bootcamp in Portugal with the Academy of Wealth and Achievement, and to graduate as well from their amazing trainings. It was the topping on the cake of the last 2 years for me, and something that, at times, I thought I would never ever get through. Surrounded by friends that I had made over the last 26 months, I stood and received my certificate from 3 pivitol people along the journey – Chris Howard, Duane Alley and Johnnie Cass. These 3, amongst others, have been people who have made me laugh and smile, cry and scream and love and hate all at the same time. They have pushed me and pulled me, held me accountable to things I never dreamed possible for myself and showed me what I was capable of just when I felt like giving up.

There was a time in my life when I never believed that it was possible to deal with, or even handle, some of the “stuff” I have chosen to deal with, but my philosophy in life is that if you are going to do anything, you may as well do it properly and full out or else what is the point. And right now, boy am I frikkin glad that I have this “law” in my life. During this last week in Portugal, there was one particular writing process that we went through, and having being a “writer” on a daily basis now for almost 10 years, it proved to me how much I have taken ownership of my life and where I am today. I have had some pretty radical changes in my life over this period with AWA, so I went in with an open mind, ready to take on whatever came my way in my own full-out way. But I never expected to receive what was sent for me.

On the second day of the training, I was doing my writing as was suggested, and that was when possible the most profound shit hit me smack in the fucking face. I messaged a “brother” and asked if we could meet up for a chat on the beach as I was feeling somewhat strange, and as we sat there, close to midnight, going through whatever the hell had happened, and looking out at the sea, I was filled with a sense of peace that I have only ever experienced once before in my life (which we will save for another day soon to come.) For years and years now, I had been working tirelessly on myself, mostly on my own until this last 2 year patch. I had been writing and writing every single day, sometimes for a short period of time, and sometimes for hours on end. That jounery of self discovery to deep within myself sometimes felt like it was a waste of time, yet at the same time, over the years, it has helped me find someone that I deeply care for and love now. And this final piece in the puzzle made me see that it had been the most amazing journey I had ever emarked upon.

Some say that in order to achieve mastery in your life, you must spend 10,000 hours doing what you intend to be a master on, and I have heard this said many times. It often made me question myself as to what value I have to add to the world and how I could ever become a master in some area. During my writing, it dawned on me that there was and is something special and unique about what I do in my life, and that the mastery I had been supposedly looking for was within me all along. Sitting on that beach in Portugal I had the most profound personal Shift in Conciousness that I had ever thought possible, and let me tell you something mate, it was way fucking better than any drug I had ever consumed in my entire life – and I have had a fair share of that along the way too.

Things changed massively that night for me, and to be totally honest with you, things are still shifting around in my head as we speak here, but what I have learned is true mastery in the art of self discovery. It took me almost 1o years to learn and teach myself the Art of True Self Discovery (some may refer to this as Ego Invenio – a term which will be common knowledge in the not so distant future) and it made me realise, along with the support and encouragement of TEAM CHICKEN (they will know who they are when they read this) that I do have something special and unique to offer to the world, and for that  I am truly blessed.

Standing on that stage with those 3 teachers that I mentioned earlier was an end step I once thought was impossible for me. But it was also the end step that made me see the gift I had been given by my personal God – one of the art of true self acceptance, no matter what.

I was meant to be doing a talk next weekend, 24th July, however, due to some massive shifts in mindset and the like, I am going to postpone this unil September this year. Yes, I could get up there and do it but as a result of some transformational conversations in Portugal, I am now working on my first ever “speaking tour” and would like to include the London dates in that. I will keep you informed of everything as we go along, but I just wanted to share with you what has been happening as I have been rather quiet of late.

To those people who were there with me, I would like to say a very BIG thank you to you all. I don’t speak to many people and I sometimes keep very quiet, but I connect from the heart when I do. You all played an amazing part of my journey and I would not have done it without you around. To Mufasa, Team Chicken and Team TBE – you guys have been my rock in this last part of my journey of mastery in self acceptance, and like in a marathon, the last few miles are always the ones where you have to dig deep, and boy have I done that and boy, have you helped me dig down to those depths.

And to everyone out there who has a dream ! Never fucking give up mate. I started out on this journey almost 10 years ago, and there were many times along the way where I wanted to throw the towel in. Keep going. Keep digging. Find people to help you and listen when people share and speak out. You will get there as long as you keep the dream alive.

See you in September baby, and watch out, things will never ever be the same ever again !

So, I started writing a blog and then heard some more news. I let the shock set in, I took some time out to cry (and swear) a lot and I took a deep breath and listened to my heart, which has been speaking to me quite a bit lately. For some strange reason, this time around, my fucking head would not answer back and that was when I knew that maybe, I had finally listened to the message that I was being given.

Today I had the news that 2 people I knew, one very well, had died. The first young lady was sadly killed by a lion back home and the 2nd young lady died this morning really suddenly. Both of them were amazing people, they truly were but you know what was even more special about them. EVERY SINGLE day they got to do what they were passionate about. One worked in an animal orphanage, and the other worked as a teacher of small children. They loved what they did and they got to do it each and every day of their lives.

Keziah, the girl who died this morning was very special to me. You see, some time back, as you know, I was pretty fucked up. She was one of the first people I spoke to about some stuff that was going on back then and she gave me a book to read the changed my life. It was called The Cross and The Swicthblade about this minister who worked with heroin addicts on the streets in America. He never gave up on them and his ministry still goes today around the world. That book made me see that I was not going mad and that the dreams and visions I had for the future were possible. She always believed in me and whenever I spoke to her, she always inspired me and now she has gone to a place she strongly believed in.

You see, I don’t know if I speak for you, but I know that for me, I have some pretty big dreams that I want to achieve in my life. Because of my own fears and limitations that I have placed on myself, I guess you could say I have always come up with excuses and the like.

Until today !

How many signs and messages do we need to get before we actually take some specific sort of action towards what we want to do ? Life is short guys, it really is. I know that there was a time in my life where I hated everything going on and when I just wanted to be dead. Call it extreme but I know that there are people out there who know what I am talking about. I tried to end my life a few times, and in doing so, I hurt a lot of people but none more than I hurt myself. It has taken me many years to accept who I am and to truly love the person that I am every day now, realising how lucky I am to be alive and living now.

So, I am taking some action and this is where you come in because I need some help from you. It will be my birthday in August and before then, I intend to stand up and speak. I can’t teach you about internet marketing, and I can’t teach you about trading and fitness but what I can tell you is my story and how to be authentic and true to who you are. I can share with you from the heart what I have learnt in my life, in the hope that it will change your life in one way or another.

Fuck me, it is scarry writing this stuff, but these 2 friends of mine have shown me something truly special in life, and I believe that I can now share what I know with the people who are reading this and ready to listen.

I have some dates lined up and depending on the interest that is shown, Iguess that is how it goes. It will be towards the end of July, early-August and will be in the evening after work for a few hours. There will be a small charge to cover the costs of organising it, part of the proceeds of this will also go to The Gorilla Organisation, a charity that is very very close to my heart in all that i do, but it will be small.

If you are interested, please contact me via Facebook or by email on mycoachguy@yahoo.com and I will keep you informed, and if you can, please pass this on to your friends and family.

It’s my dream and I believe in it, so please support me in taking this HUGE step forwards, and remember, maket he most of everything because you never know what is going to happen next.

You know something – I frikkin love music – a frikkin lot !! I have been watching a new video of a song recently, and everytime I watch it, it brings tears to my eyes. Imaginative, creative, crazy, touching and beautiful in all respects. And while watching it over and over again, inside my head, some more shit started moving around. I saw people being unafraid to be who they were. I saw people coming together as one instead of being apart and different. I saw someone who clearly lives their passion and shares their message with the world, and it taught me some amazing lessons to be honest.

1)      It’s OK to TRUST people.

Trust is built and based around our expectations of the world. We grow up learning and believing things, and as we go through life, things happen that challenge this way of thinking. People disagree with us or do things we don’t really understand because we don’t know what they are going through, and it breaks down that supposed trust that we have in life. Expectations, to me, are really only premeditated resentments. If this person does this or that, then I will feel this or that. However, when we find that we are secure with who we are and where we are in life, it is actually OK to trust because we are in charge of where we are in life, and leave the other people’s reality to them. I never used to trust easily, and I have found this changing a lot lately and watching this showed me that it is actually OK to trust because I know in my heart now that I trust myself.

2)      Belief – in whatever you want to believe in.

Faith is an amazing thing, no matter what it is that you believe in. For me, faith is paramount to my existence and where I am in my life, and I realised recently how much I rely on it. It gets me through the dark times when I feel like the “voices” are going to actually eat me up alive and it makes me remember that I am on a journey all the time. My faith helps me feel the pain and emotions that I go through and it gives me the strength to deal with them – it does not take them away, because if it did, how would I make a difference by sharing what I go through. Every trial I go through helps me to grow as a being and to help others and share the love.

3)      It’s OK to be scared about situations in your life.

Fear is a very natural and real thing. It reminds us that we are alive and free to make choices. In times gone by, it helped us to survive and get through some pretty shit things. And at the same time, how would we ever be able to have courage and faith if fear had not shown up. I have recently found myself being very afraid of some stuff going on, but it made me see what strength, courage and faith I do have.

4)      Loving yourself happens when you least expect it

This video starts with a cup of coffee, some milk and marshmallows falling to the floor and images of people getting undressed. To me, being naked is the ultimate symbol of being exposed for who and what I truly am. It scares me being naked, it really does. Who knows why the coffee dropped and why these people exposed their vulnerability to those around them. What it showed me was that things happen in your life when you least expect it – you cannot control them but what you can do is give yourself the permission to be vulnerable and be who you were born to be – loving another person is the surest way to see how much you love yourself, and fuck me mate, this was a pretty big lesson for me.

5)      Self Hypnosis is frikkin awesome

I have found a very interesting pattern to some of the things that I do, and over the past couple of years, I have got a number of tattoos. I love them for many different reasons and I will tell you about that another time. I had a rather large and unfinished tattoo redone this weekend and as I am no longer a great fan of physical pain, I decided that I was going to do some pain alleviation hypnosis on myself and I fell asleep in the chair while the dude was inking my arm. I heard him laughing at me and he looked over at me and asked how I had managed to fall asleep while being tattooed because I actually snored a bit ! It’s really cool man and you should try it some time !!!

I found myself getting somewhat overwhelmed by things yesterday. You know what it is like when something goes on in your head, and then every other frikkin thing gets in the way – it is like this parade of shit going through your mind where everyone wants to get heard and everything wants your attention. You know what I am talking about right ?

So, last night I took the long and scenic route home, spent a bit of time appreciating the weather and everything for what it is right now – when you don’t have much sun around, you tend to realise how special it is when you do see it and it kind of makes things look different somehow. I looked at all the situations going on in my life currently, some of them big and some of them small, as you may well know and I realised how fucking lucky I actually am. I was getting upset with myself for letting myself have certain feelings, for thinking certain things and for just worrying the whole time and I guess it took getting to the state of overwhelm for me to take stock of things.

I learnt that you can’t control everything going on in your life – yes, I know that we all know that but do we actually listen to it and apply it all the time? Working in the personal development industry, there comes a stage, I guess, where you kind of second-guess everything you are feeling and thinking and doing. What part of me is this and what part of me is that ? Why am I doing this and why am I doing that ? It can be very empowering, but in my opinion, it can also make you, to some extent, doubt a lot of things as well. Now that is my opinion alone and some of you may very well disagree with it, but hey, that is life.

It made me see that it is OK to just feel sometimes. As painful as it is, it is good. It made me reach out and speak to people as well, not many, but it is a start. And it made me realise that some people come into your life for a fucking amazing reason. You care for them for who they are, for what you learn about them and for what you see about yourself in them. They have stuff going on to and when you are in that state of overwhelm, it is so easy to just forget about things.

I don’t know what today is going to bring, but you know what, right now I don’t give a shit. That may sound careless and senseless but hey, that’s me mate, and that’s how I am going to get through things right now. If things happen, they happen and if they don’t, then they don’t but the sun is shining, my thoughts are still racing and my mind is all over the place and today is today !

“The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself as accepted in spite of being unacceptable” – Paul Tillich

I personally believe that the journey to true self acceptance is one of the most challenging things a person can ever decide to embark upon. To put aside all masks and identities, to lay yourself bare to the world and say from the heart that this is me and this is who I am is a pretty tough thing to do and something that, due to my own bullshit, I have been very passionate about in my own life.

For a very very long time in my own life, I wore a mask – one that covered up a lot of personal pain and anguish and one that hurt a lot of people as well. When I woke up in a hospital bed, covered in tubes and needles, I decided then that I was going to find myself and be myself, and lying there, I never knew how much hard work and tireless dedication it would take. There have been times when all I have wanted to do is give up on it all, and so many times along the way when I have doubted everything I did.

And that was until a few years ago, when I accepted my life for what it was and me for who I was becoming and being every day. I have never openly spoken about myself, neither have I hidden it from anyone, but accepting myself as a gay man and a gay dad was one of the hardest, yet at the same time, most liberating things that I have done. For years I denied what people said, I argued and fought about it, and I hated every part of myself for feeling the way that I felt. I made myself an outsider, I hurt mysef to get away from it, and to be honest with you, there were times when I thought to myself that it would be better to be away from here than to accept this in my life.

I met some people who helped me through things, and I finally told the people closest and dearest to me about what I was going through and they were, and still are, a very special part of my life. Yet for some reason, I still could not bring myself to fully accept and love who I am, until recently when I realised a few things.

Some years ago, I decided that to love was something that was too painful – it ended in pain, it hurt people and it just caused problems, so yes, if I am honest with you, I decided that love was for other people. As I gradually accepted myself over the years, I began to like what I saw. I began to accept myself as a pretty good guy and a decent catch, but thanks to my decisions, I always ended up hurting myself in one way or another – sabotaging relationships with some amazing guys, creating shit fucked up stories in my head that made me act like an idiot, acting like a complete and utter fool at times as well by doing some stupid things – just the whole bunch of shit. It has been a tiring few years if I am honest with you and then recently something strange happened.

To be honest with you, right now I am terrified to write and publish this blog. It is possibly one of the most openly honest and intimate things I have allowed myself to think, let alone write here, but it is where I want to go with my life and what I feel could possibly be holding me back from the next step, so I am just doing what my heart tells me from now on.

I recently began feeling some very strange, yet vaguely familiar feelings and have been wondering what they were. Somebody came into my life that changed some stuff, and tonight on the way home, it dawned on me what was going on and why I was feeling this way. This man made me see me for what and who I truly was and whilst speaking to 2 other very special people in my life about this, I realised that I had started to actually love who I had become. I was being honest and open with people, I was sharing from my heart the truth that I believed in, and I was allowing myself to not be afraid to show whatever emotion I was going through. In doing so, I was touching people’s lives and having an impact on them just by BEING ME. When I realised that I was liking and loving me, and someone else maybe, because of that subconcious decision that I made many years ago, I began sabotaging things a lot to the point where I really had a very bad 2 or 3 days of self doubt.

Who did I think I was to feel like this ? Stuff like this is not for me ! You don’t deserve all this because it only ends in pain. How can you feel like this when there could be something better around the corner for you ? You only deserve a few moments of happiness and the rest, well who gives a shit, it is there for someone else.

Now that may sound mad and crazy, but you know what, it is the truth. I don’t ask for these thoughts and I don’t keep them quiet anymore, but you know what they did? They made me see that because I had allowed myself to find myself and love myself for who I was, warts and all, I had allowed myself to see someone else just as amazing who showed me everything I loved about me and more. Some people who have chosen a path to true self acceptance will know exactly what I am saying here, but by allowing myself to open up to the possibility of loving someone else actually allowed me to open up my heart to myself.

I sit here now, a little bit scared about all of this. I don’t know what is going to happen next but what I do know is that I don’t have to hide anymore and I don’t have to pretend anymore. This is me and this is who I am and if it means I have to wait a while, then I am prepared to wait and see what happens.